Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "Well just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out [...]
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: Whats the [...]
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU [...]
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she [...]
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, No way, pal. I dont think you can pay for it.Youre right, the guy says. I dont have any money, but if I show you something you havent seen before, will you give me a drink?You have a deal, [...]
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, Are you crazy? Youll never be able to outrun that bear!
I dont have to, the first lawyer replied. I only have [...]
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patients room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient [...]
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly. The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high [...]
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.
How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that [...]
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
