Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year, only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.

Logically…. Those 2 banks will merge and will be called “The Bloody Fucking Bank”.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!

Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the problem here?

Theres no friggin problem, dammit! the man says, I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!

I see, says the manager, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!

One-Point Gags

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· Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.

· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out Yahtzee!

· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.

· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye.

· Run one lap around the office at top speed.

· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

· Walk sideways to the photocopier.

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

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· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it.

· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).

· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

· Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

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· After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, The reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour.

· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.

· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce As God as my witness, Ill never go hungry again.

· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, Ya wanna trade?

· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I cant talk about it.

· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.

· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am See how I look in tights.

· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!

· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

Do you hear that?

What?

Never mind, its gone now

· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, not now and walk away.

· Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts arent.
–Beachs Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthonys Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
– Tussmans Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowerys Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peers Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
–Williams Law

Machines should work. People should think.
–IBMs Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlichs Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
–Ralphs Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
– Cannons Comment

The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
– Law of inevitable consequences.

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 theres a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Tickle Me Elmo Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmos legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: Im sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, Is that for sale? Of course not! she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

New Rules
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.