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In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.

Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners
to their deaths.

Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how
four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree.
Officials have admitted how:
Victim Nunmber 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.

Victim Nunmber 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.

Victim Nunmber 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.

Victim Nunmber 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.

Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa:
He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.Its so
sad that he had to be put down.

Gamers terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower
from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the
wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.

Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived
just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her
seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back
at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.

Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered
when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway
platform.

Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also
from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor,
the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.

A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South
Africa, said: We had no choice but to have him put down.

Last night, the chief trainer for Britains Guide Dogs For The Blind
Association, Bob Steele, said: This could never happen here. If there are
any doubts about the animal, it is dropped from our training programme at
once.

From the Say What? file — true story: Im taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, were
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, What is the Audubon Society? (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:

I dont know, I think its a group to protect that road in
Germany.

It hits me like a spear. She did not just say that, did she? I
think to myself. I look up — and shes serious.

Thats Auto-BAHN, not Audubon! I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, Birds! Birds!

What? she says.

I reply, Its a group organized for the protection of birds.

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?

I swear to God — true story.

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.

Last week the DJ on radio station WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David
Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say that
he liked the show Knight Rider much better than Baywatch.
He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily
believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form
coherent sentences on her own.

Looking for Love: Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream
woman, says Jay Leno. He says he wants someone whos funny, secure,
independent and has a good personality. You know whats really sad- the
one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.

From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Microsoft Corp today announced that they would purchase the source the
PenPoint operating system for the value of one of Bill Gates eye-lashes
(est. value $1.3 million). Gates was quoted as saying we are only doing
what the consumer has asked us to do: ship huge, bloated, bug-ridden
programs while using every trick in the book to kill our competitors. As an
example of our progress, consider Windows CE which paints the screen slower
on a 75 MHz MIPS RISC processor than the 16 MHz 68000 in the Palm Pilot,
while sucking the batteries dry in a tenth of the time.