Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the citys major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

Yes?

Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time? The man looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

8:25!

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time! Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

Sir, sir? Its 8:45!.

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

Im sorry sir, the first trooper told the driver, but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, Tacks evasion.

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.

The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.

And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!

The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?

To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull! Buddy didnt move.

Then the farmer hollered, Pull, Buster, pull! Buddy didnt respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull! Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, Pull, Buddy, pull! And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldnt even try!

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? To which the farmer replied: Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks What kind of car ya got there, sonny?.

The dude replies A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.

Thats a lotta money! says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks Can I take a look inside?

Sure replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says Thats a pretty nice car, alright!

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP? Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man replies yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man began, I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say,

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Why are you eating grass?, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food., The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with me too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! The second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The rich man replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

Suit yourself, the farmer replied, you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.