Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesnt it become squozen?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldnt it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
I went out today and bought everything Ive been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why youre just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Whos bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Biggers baby! Mr. Biggers baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
So whats the speed of dark?
Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?