In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, A basketball coach?
Mommy, mommy, I dont want to visit grandma today! Shut up and keep digging, boy.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!"
"Thats right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!"
"Thats right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
What is it?"
"A puppy!"
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?†she asks.
“Ive never been with a woman,†he says. “But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo Im gonna need all the room I can get!â€
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A.
Hes stopped in traffic and thinks, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; were not even moving.
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, Excuse me, officer, whats the hold-up?
O.J. just found out the verdict, and hes all depressed. Hes lying down in the middle of the highway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesnt have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.
The man says, Oh really, how much have you collected so far.
The officer replies, So far, ten gallons.
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, Deepest Condolences, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it!
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
Im so ashamed, Doctor, she said, I guess I let myself go.
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.
Dont feel ashamed, Miss. You dont look that bad.
Do you really think so, Doctor?
she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.
A TEEN GIRL ASKS HER DAD FOR $100.00 FOR A PROM DRESS.DAD SAYS YOULL HAVE TO GIVE ME A BLOWJOB. SHE SAYS YOUR MY DAD I CANT DO THAT. HE REPLIES NO BLOWJOB NO MONEY. SO SHE GOES DOWN, GRABS IT AND SAYS YUK IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT. THATS RIGHT HE SAYS YOUR BROTHER WANTED TO BORROW THE CAR.
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.
Doctor I think I have the crabs.
When was the last time you had sex?
The doctor asks.
I have never had sex. Im still a virgin.
she replied.
The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.
After the examination he said, I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you dont have the crabs. The bad news is youve got fruit flies.
Fruit flies?
asks granny.
Yeah, says the doctor.
Your cherry rotted.
Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmno_qrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but wheres the p?
Malcolm: Miss, its running down my leg!