Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. You will die on an American holiday.

Which one? asked bin Laden.

It dont matter, said the psychic. The day you die will be made into an American holiday.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Q: What do lesbians do on their period?

A: Finger Paint

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. "Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm." "Why dont you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily."Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen."

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbours 10 year old daughters rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage, hoping its death would be written off as natural causes.

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbours Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girls dead rabbit and put it back in its cage??

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing hed come across was, er, female juices.

But youre balder than I am, protested the customer.

True, admitted the barber, but youve gotta admit Ive got one hell of a moustache!

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, Boss, Ive got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do?

In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.

So whats the problem now? his Boss snapped.

The blue light on his bike is still flashing!