Archive for the "Sports" Category
The baseball demands
Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
In case anyone has oded on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
No team flights on Continental Airlines.
Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
Make it legal to cork their pants.
Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
Two words: Streisand tickets.
Every team has to have at least one player named Mookie.
Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
Put an on-deck circle in Madonnas bed.
More games against the Mets.
Question answer
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
Whats tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!
Quotes of Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra Quotes
Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours.
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
If the people dont want to come out to the park, nobodys gonna stop them.
No wonder nobody comes here; its too crowded.
We made too many wrong mistakes.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. – Yogi Berra
The laws of golf
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
Ten years on a deserted island
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?
Ten years!, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!
Then she asked, How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, Ten years!
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, Wow, thats fantastic!
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since youve had some real fun?
And the man replies, Wow! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!
Question answer
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
Question answer
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but cant stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a teams defence?
A flat back four!
Question answer
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because theyre always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!