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What is Draculas favorite kind of dog?

A blood hound.

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */

When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didnt. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.
Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.
That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our giving should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.

Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years – and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collettes plotting his revenge–if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkels mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.

He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didnt like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins miserable, wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the bale to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collettes name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracons outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

This will take some planning, Collette said. I will definitely get them out. Im confident. But hes waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

Wait until next year, he warned. Im on the offensive again.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck…

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets… they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football… someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere…

even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!

Both are very popular at Christmas

But it is not generally considered cruel

To abandon a log

And dogs are rarely used as fuel

–John Hegley, Can I Come Down Now Dad?

The Holiday Nightmare

(to the tune of Santa Claus is comming to town.)

You better give up
On Christmas this year–
You havent a chance
With relatives here–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyre bringing thier kids
To add to your fun–
Theyre staying ten days;
You thought it was one–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyll monopolize your bathroom;
Theyll destroy your sol-i-tude;
They will eat you out of house and
home,
Then complain about the food.

Theyre only one way
To save your No-el–
You give em your house;
You take a hotel–
Sam and Roz are comming to town.

Her arms laden with Christmas gifts, Mrs. Douglas remembered she had forgetten to mail a card to her childhood frriend Faye. Buying a card and dashing into the post office, she bought a first class stamp.

Excuse me, she said, her arms aching. but must I put that on myself?

No maam, deadpanned the clerk, it goes on the envelope.

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?

A. Never fired, and only dropped once.

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?

A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?

A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?

A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?

A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?

A. Usually through the skylight…

RAINY web

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of

shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have

seen the people scatter in the meat department.

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really cant be cheated on … either you know it or you dont. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.

How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Pettys cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is The Redneck Riviera?
Whats that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
Whats the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang Your Cheatin Heart?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed The Bear?
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylors love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries The Grand Ol Opry?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat high on the hog?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant shade?

Score 3 points per correct answer. Youre given 1 point to start.