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Dear Lee,

My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night … it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter, Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his *voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but they wouldnt let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when youd be back … except for Nadine of course – she still says thats YOUR baby!

Heres a little preview for you from Dr. R. Terrycloths new songbook:

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and …
or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia:
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry.
Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive:
On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave To Me… (And Then She Took it All Away!!)

Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, Ill be seeing you when your prescription runs out, Im sure!

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Q: Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)

1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
2. Youve ever used lard in bed.
3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors doeuvre.
4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
5. Less than half the cars you own run.
6. Your mother doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
7. The primary color of your car is BOND-O.
8. Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
10. Your family tree doesnt fork.
11. Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. Youve ever hollered rock the house, Bubba during a piano recital.
13. Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. The diplomas hanging in your den include The Trucking Institute.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.
23. Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
26. You use a rag for a gas cap.
27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
29. Youve ever won a spitting contest.
30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with Do What?
31. Youve actually created new meaning for the term Stump Broke.
32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.

Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself!

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – - – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize

This just in from News Service: A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.

(original source unknown)

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin,

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, YO! Keep it down!

Wanderin eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin reindeer!

Wit slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

Wit a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me side da head.

What da hell you doin

Pullin a gun on da Don?

Now all youre gettin is coal,

You friggin moron!

Den pointin a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin,

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

Merry Friggin Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Screw this! and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,

chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers wont tell you size doesnt count.

4. Cucumbers dont get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you wont have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber wont eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber wont drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber wont ask: Am I the first?.

17. A cucumber doesnt care if youre a virgin.

18. Cucumbers wont tell other cucumbers youre a virgin.

19. Cucumbers wont tell anyone youre not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you dont have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers wont pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers wont care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers wont give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say youre sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber wont: …want to shake hands and be friends.

28. …say, Ill call you a cab.

29. …tell you hes not the marrying kind.

30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. …take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers dont leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers wont make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers wont tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber wont work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isnt allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you dont have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber wont eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesnt turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber wont go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesnt use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers wont leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers wont write your name and number on the mens room wall.

47. Cucumbers dont have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers wont make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers arent into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers wont ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?

54. Cucumbers arent jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber wont want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers arent into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers wont ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber wont mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers dont leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber wont give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you wont have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers dont leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesnt flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers dont compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers dont count to 10.

71. Cucumbers dont tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you … …for another woman.

73. …for another man.

74. …for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say I have to work late, Honey, and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call the wife.

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber wont leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers dont play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You wont find out later that your cucumber … …is married.

83. …is on penicillin.

84. …likes you – but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesnt have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber wont ask for a promotion just when youre up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers dont care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers wont wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber wont leave town on New Years Eve.

91. A cucumber wont take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesnt care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber wont ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber wont tell you hes outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers dont say Lets keep trying until we have a boy.

98. A cucumber wont insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. Its easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.