Haios! » Seasonal / Holiday

Question and answer Christmas joke

admin — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:14:49 +0000

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because its to far to walk.

Redneck 12 days of Christmas

admin — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:53:37 +0000

Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthys Christmas song:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Pack of Bud
Rasslin tickets

tin of copenhagen
years probation
table dancers
cans of redman
cans of spam
Flannel Shirts
Mud Grip Tires
Shotgun Shells
Huntin dogs

and some parts to a Mustang GT

If youre from Georgia youll understand the Mud Grip Tires :)

Final exam fun

admin — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:32:58 +0000

If youre going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions… Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent mar

Shouting contest in Tokyo, Japan

admin — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:43:20 +0000

They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15).

1st prize: I will do karate for the rest of my life!
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.

2nd: Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.

Unique Prize: Stop smooching on the train! Why dont you people go home!
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104.7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.

I want work!
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist

Its so cold in winter – buy me a stove!
Hideki Matsui

I couldnt sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didnt have an air conditioner!
Koji Fukuda

There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous date in Japan.)

Im sick of being a Single Bell at Christmas!
Reiji Toma

The strange Christmas scene

admin — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 17:14:45 +0000

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.

What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?

admin — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:04:38 +0000

What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?

A trombone…

December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving

admin — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:51:51 +0000

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7
Debug Windows 2000 December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11
Lay Faberge egg.December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade Holiday Scents in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness

Question and answer Christmas joke

admin — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:14:43 +0000

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving

admin — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:14:45 +0000

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!

Its much harder (adult)

admin — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:34:45 +0000

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.