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Positive Thinking for Christmas

Lately there’s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it’s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.

1. Negative


On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.

Positive


Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.

2. Negative


How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.

Positive


How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.

3. Negative


Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.

Positive


The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.

4. Negative


You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.

Positive


Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.

5. Negative


Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.

Positive


Tape Santas visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.

6. Negative


Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Positive


More presents for me.

7. Negative


Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can’t pull the sled.

Positive


More deermeat for Santa.

8. Negative


How it’s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.

Positive


How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.

9.Negative


Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.

Positive


Presents for the caribou.

10. Negative


How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.

Positive


The one night a year to party with the Elfs.

You might be a redneck if. . .



You think harass is two words.

You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have more dogs than the local shelter.

You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.



How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!



Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:

A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

Dead ends…

What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel…

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him!

During a busy Pre-Christmas day atSydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long lineof inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. Heslapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and ithas to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "Im sorry sir.Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im surewell be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. HeSCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who Iam?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addressmicrophone. "May I have your attentionplease?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passengerhere at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, theman glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Screw you." Without flinching, she smiled andreplied, "Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too."

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.)9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth…11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!13. Whip your roommate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.14. Tear down all your roommates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!16. Tell your roommate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommates friends give it a yank.20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his win

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the trailor.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail er.

The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leon would be hauling ass.

The younguns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.

Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.

When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.

When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.

He staggered so much, I thought, What was he on?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leon?

All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout,
Dogs hate St. Leon, you figure it out.

Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy, he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.

When he stepped on my porch, there was such a vibration,
I thanked God I installed a concrete foundation.

He was dressed all in fur, and chains made of gold,
On his feet were Air Jordens, I specked he stoled.

Yes, he had toys, there was no mistakin,
But I still wasnt sure if he was given, or taken.

It was then that he pulled a knife from his sack,
As I readied myself for a Leon attack.

St. Leon surprised me and gave me great glee,
When he gift wrapped the knife, and put it under the tree.

He continued by filling the socks up with skoal,
His good deeds made me feel, like a major bung hole.

Then layin his finger on the gold stud on his nose,
He said, Hey Opey Taylor, I gots to goes.

He jumped in his caddy, and turned on the ignition,
Drove down the dirt road, to continue his mission.

I heard him yell out, as I opened a beer,
Hey you honky white trash, see you mofos next year.

This was written and produced by the Rock and Roll Breakfast on MAGIC 105, a radio station here in Little Rock. Reprinted with out their permission, but since their not on the list, and you dont know their E-mail address, I feel relatively safe in sending this in.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-
we had nothing to do.

The Gentiles were home,
hanging stockings with care,
Secure in the knowledge
St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There werent any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded The T, bound for old Chinatown.

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!
We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu …

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!.

And my girlfriend-well … she got a real winner;
Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.
The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all]

Author unknown