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People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.

It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the worlds children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.

At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up
and said, Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?

And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version



Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,

Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winters nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Tease her about being married to that deadbeat James Brolin
Wear giant sombrero and keep saying, Senor Pepe no understand
Threaten to release steamy photos of her and Hugh Downs from Christmas 74
When you dont have an answer, meow like a kitty
Hog the covers (trust me, she hates that)
Call her Alex, phrase all answers in the form of a question
Tell her she was your favorite Golden Girl
To camera say, Whoa, Barbara, easy on the gin
Only rule: Ask a question, remove a piece of clothing
If shes wearing a skirt, compliment her on The View

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, Its something like your sisters room, but without a stereo.

Dear Lee,

My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night … it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter, Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his *voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but they wouldnt let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when youd be back … except for Nadine of course – she still says thats YOUR baby!

Heres a little preview for you from Dr. R. Terrycloths new songbook:

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and …
or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia:
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry.
Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive:
On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave To Me… (And Then She Took it All Away!!)

Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, Ill be seeing you when your prescription runs out, Im sure!

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Q: Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)

1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
2. Youve ever used lard in bed.
3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors doeuvre.
4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
5. Less than half the cars you own run.
6. Your mother doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
7. The primary color of your car is BOND-O.
8. Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
10. Your family tree doesnt fork.
11. Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. Youve ever hollered rock the house, Bubba during a piano recital.
13. Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. The diplomas hanging in your den include The Trucking Institute.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.
23. Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
26. You use a rag for a gas cap.
27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
29. Youve ever won a spitting contest.
30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with Do What?
31. Youve actually created new meaning for the term Stump Broke.
32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.

Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself!

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – - – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize