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Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season
right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my
car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel
shirt to protect him from the cold nights chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand. Thinking that he
had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad
story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her
large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother,
on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all
his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred
pound notes and disappeared into the night.

Why didnt you scream for help? I asked.

The boy said, I did.

And nobody came to help you? I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

How loud did you scream? I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, Help me!

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

The Holiday Nightmare

(to the tune of Santa Claus is comming to town.)

You better give up
On Christmas this year–
You havent a chance
With relatives here–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyre bringing thier kids
To add to your fun–
Theyre staying ten days;
You thought it was one–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyll monopolize your bathroom;
Theyll destroy your sol-i-tude;
They will eat you out of house and
home,
Then complain about the food.

Theyre only one way
To save your No-el–
You give em your house;
You take a hotel–
Sam and Roz are comming to town.

Q: Whats a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel…

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. :) Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?

A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesnt have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?

A: There is no trade union for Elves. Theyre easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?

A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description up where the sun dont shine, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?

A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say Made on the North Pole? (Made in China, more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?

A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?

A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesnt take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?

A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?

A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?

A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you dont want.

See how many of these you hear this year!

Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations

My God, Aint Sally, dont use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!

Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?

Id just love for all yall to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but Im afraid there aint room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.

Well, I got it at Sears. If it dont fit, Im sure theyll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just dint realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.

What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didnt anybody git me any white socks?

I dont EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just dont know why anybody would! Skeeters allergic to olives, aint you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!

Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonnes. Miz Marshall down at the mill give all us girls a box. WyeVonne wouldnt have never knowd where they come from. Now Im gonna haf to give her one of my boxes of dustin powder!

I see yall still are devotes of arboreal sacrifice. Weve had an artificial tree for YEARS!

Momma, whys Aint Bobbie making me eat off a plain plate? Yores has got a Christmas tree on it!

Yep, I been settin air for three hours an forty-two minutes, by my clock. An air he come! ARE YALL ALL LISTENIN TO THIS? I got him right tair in the cross hairs. I pull the trigger, and — S*P*L*A*T!!! Bye-bye, Bambi. … Pass me some more of that venison, R.J.

Revised, 1996. By Lee Bradley.

This text may be reproduced and distributed, without changes, at your pleasure, as long as this notice remains attached and intact.

Lee Bradley

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



Happy Holidays!