REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSES
Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?
Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).
How can the river be flowing north? Thats uphill!
How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!
How do I get water into this beaker?
Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)
(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much Id dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat thats hard to bear.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium –
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.
(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin hotly.
Cesium shinin so bright.
Cesium –
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.
(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give em that glow.
Cesium –
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!
(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!
They needed Cesium!
Flamin madly.
Cesium burnin so blue.
Cesium –
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.
(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesiums the stuff to heat you up,
And you aint gonna find no shade!
Youll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium –
Its almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!
— Songs of Cesium #96
O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…
Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.
— Songs of Cesium #76
O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem)
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
The last words of a chemist:
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely save experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)
Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.
How dya stand the smokin?
How dya bide the flame?
Do you think that lifes just
A burnin game.
Monday night your hungers a blue fire,
Tuesday morn youre cookin fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, youre only flamin higher,
Having your fun.
Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.
Likin the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?
—Songs of Cesium #47
Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
7. Mutter repeatedly, Not again… not again… not again.
6. When its very quiet, suddenly cry out, My eyes!
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
ITS OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR — head-to-floor distance reduction. After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: And in conclusion . . .
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!
Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocados number.
Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.
Take plenty of the dark purple solution, Tom offered, managnimously.
This old pipe is rusty, said Tom, ironically.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
