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Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing)

Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesnt cure it
Other peoples sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.

Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease

Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: What did you think of that Superbowl game last night? I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because its called rock music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side youre parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. Youre not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking.

Make it myself? But Im a physical organic chemist!

Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.

Acid is base.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: Theyre cheaper than day rates.

Scale keeps forming inside the kettle, complained Tom, recalcitrantly.

O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem)

Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.

A metrologist from Dover left on a trip. She was to take the Chunnel to Calais, go south to Perpignan, go to Sèvres, and return home. She never made
it. The obituary reported that she had gone to make her meter.

(The first meter was determined by surveying the longest north-south distance in France, which is pretty close to the line from Calais to Perpignan.)

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender looks at him, and says For you, no charge.

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says Ill have what hes having.

Two atoms bump into each other. One says I think I lost an electron! The other asks, Are you sure?, to which the first replies, Im positive.

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says sir can I get you a martini Descartes says I dont think… and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when hes stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says No, but I know where I am.

At the physics exam: Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The wave.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was log(1+x). A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didnt want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to timber(1+x)

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Lab Reports
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
isnt it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

The last words of a chemist:

16. O no, wrong beaker…

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away…