Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.The priest says, Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?. Joe says, Id rather not say who it was with. The priest says, Was it with Betty Smith? Joe says, Id rather not say, So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joes friend asks if he received absolution.Joe says, Yes, and two very good leads!
Just heard on the radio, purportedly factual:
A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss
it with his priest.
The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss
it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering
that he hadnt talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. No, thank you, Mrs. Watkins replied. The Lord will provide. The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. Dont trouble yourself, she told him. The Lord will provide.
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, The Lord will provide.
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. What happened? she cried.
For cryin out loud, lady, God said, I sent three boats!
In the interest of getting the history of the Neiman-Marcus Cookie
Recipe story absolutely correct, I have voluntarily engaged in some
heavy research. I logged about 12 hours in a local collegiate library
and came up with what I believe to be the earliest version of this
story. It is not unique to America. Heck, it is not even unique to
this century! Below I have translated from the runic, the (I can only
believe it is the original) first known reference to being overcharged
for a recipe, and then cheating the seller by passing along the recipe
to many others. Take a gander and let me know what you think…
Larry Rogers
A Proclamation from Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud
Servant of His Lord High God and the King under Him to all kith and kin
across the land, acroos the seas, and to any of noble blood beyond.
It would pleaseth us mightily if thou, with thine noble heart and
chivalrous soul wouldst maketh it a point to use the recipe contained
herein and pass it along to thine own kith and kin to be used and passed
along to theirs…
But, first, because it doth pleaseth, us, and hopefuly thou as well,
the history of this wondrous recipe that We have enclosed for thou…
We, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His
Lord High God and the King under Him, had the unique pleasure of
visiting the demense of the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy.
During which visit, we had the opportunity to partake of many feasts in
our honor and his. It was during yon feasts that a most heavenly
beverage was presented and consumed. Twas Mead, and not just any mead,
we may say. Twas blackberry mead of a most delectable sort. Upon the
completion of yon visit to the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy,
we requested that a recitation of the procedure for drinking that most
delectable beverage be ensconced within our historian’s head for a
repitition to our own beverage preparer at home. The Most Noble Oleg,
Prince of Normandy informed us that it would cost us 350 guilders and 30
head of cattle. We said that it should not be a problem for one of
such noble birth as ourselves, that his Leige, the Most Noble Lord Oleg,
Prince of Normandy should inform our historian of the procedure, and
send him back to us in 30 days time with a messenger to carry the return
payment for the recipe.
A month of days went by and the historian was duly returned to us. The
messenger from His Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prionce of Normandy was
scheduled to return to his lord the following day. When we asked that
the charge be repeated to us, we were informed that the exchange rate
for the guilders translated into 15,000 pounds! That Cad! The
Messenger was beheaded, and his head returned to the Most High Noble
Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy, along with the requested 30 head of
cattle and 350 pounds.
Our own beverage maker was set to work immediately to prepare some of
the wonderful mead. It took over a month to fully prepare. Upon the
date of its completion, we were about to partake the first drink of the
most wonderous elixer whereupon a messenger burst forth upon our feast
and informed us that the Most High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy had not
been pleased with our treatment of his messenger, and had declared war
upon us, there was a full fleet of 7 long-boats full of armed warriors
on their way to make war with us immediately!
And so, upon the potential that I shall not return from the battle, I
wish to make certain that the High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy does
not play such a prank on any others of our noble standing, and so we
give to you, free of charge the recipe for which we are about to make
war…
Your Patron, Friend, Foe, Ally and Leige, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere,
Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His Lord High God and the King
under Him
Blackberry Mead
Ingredients (2 gallons):
1 gallon ripe blackberries
4 1/2 lbs clover honey
acid blend and yeast
Montrache wine yeast
Procedure:
Pick about a gallon of good ripe berries, rinseth them. During this
time beginneth a simple mead with 2 1/2lbs of yon clover honey and
enough water to make a gallon. Useth the Montrache wine yeast and add
yeast and acid blend.
Fermentation shall stop after three weeks. Masheth the blackberries
with a wine bottle. Add the mead. Two weeks later, rack the liquid off
of the fruit and into a carboy. Add another 2 lbs of honey and enough
water to fill it up to 2 gallons. A month later, bottle. At eight
months, it shall be perfect.
Comments:
Up through six months of aging, it shan’t be very good, but at eight
shall be wonderful. It becometh like a really good red wine with a
blackberry nose and
aftertaste.
—————————————
The above is most certainly a parody, and the mead recipe has been
changed enough to make it almost unusable. you may find the original at:
http://alpha.rollanet.org/library/beeslees.html
If you have enjoyed this, please send it along to others afflicted with
the Neiman-Marcus story, and be certain to include my name right up at
the top where it is now.
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, Oh, is this place what I think it is? Its so beautiful! Did I make it into heaven?
St. Peter replied, Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you may enter.
The woman was very excited, of course, and she asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. Spell a word, St. Peter replied.
What word? she asked.
Any word, St. Peter answered. Its your choice.
The woman promptly replied, Then the word I will spell is love. L, O, V, E, love.
St. Peter congratulated her on making it into Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he ran a quick errand. Id be honored, she said, but what should I do if someone comes while youre gone?
St. Peter reassured her and instructed the woman, Just have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word as you did.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peters chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. Shes shocked to realize its her husband.
What happened? she cried. Why are you here?
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now Im here? Did I make it into Heaven with you?
Not yet, the woman replied, First you have to spell a word correctly.
Which word? he asked.
The woman replied, Czechoslovakia.
A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was
said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The new priest did not know what to do. His congregation suggested to consult a
98-year-old man, who was the oldest inhabitant of the village. The priest hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he
went to the old peoples home with a representative of each fraction of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during the prayer said to the old man, Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?
The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.
The one whose followers sat said gladly, Then the tradition is to sit during
this prayer!
The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.
Then the priest said to the old man, But the congregation fight all the time,
yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, That is the tradition!
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boys grades were straight As, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.
Oh, its all right, I guess, he replies.
They must be teaching you some new tricks!
Not really.
Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?
Well, he says, as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!
Christ did not say Kill trees for Christmas.
St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and its
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasnt come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While Hes there,
an old man comes up to the gates.
Welcome to heaven says Jesus, tell me a bit about yourself.
Well, says the old man, when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.
Father? he asked.
The old man stared back. Pinnochio?
Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, I have some good news and some bad news. Then the other persom says,tell me. so he says,The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow.