Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided
to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly
cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife
ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in
Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didnt notice he had misspelled
his wifes email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her
husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory
just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from
relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The womans son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: Ive just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St. Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either!

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a

practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.



One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.



Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a whump and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.



He turned to the priest and said, Father, Im sure that I missed that lawyer.



And the priest replied, Thats OK, my son, I got him with the door.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?!

A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They
asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The
priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven
when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came
speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities
took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping
that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the
guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches
from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the
blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, Hey, I see what your
problem is.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael, look what Ive made. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put Life on it. Im going to call
it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance?, inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot.

Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different Ê
continents.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, Whats that?

Ah, said God. Thats Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots Im sending them from
the North every winter!

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didnt want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, What shall I do?

A voice came back from the heavens saying, Repaint, and thin no more!

Theyre leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking toward Heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as Divine Intervention and released the priest. Next, the drunkard came to the guillotine, and he also decided to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the priest. So the blade of the guillotine was raised again, and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck, so he was released as well. The engineer was next, and he too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, Hey, I see what the problem is…

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their
wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a
traditional service,they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into
the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

Uh, Reverend, Ive changed my mind, the groom responded. I think I
would prefer the traditional service.

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.

When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.

Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, Ill grant your request.
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.

Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.

The Irishman begins shaking all over. Oh boy, could I use a drink, he says.

The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.

He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.

The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.

He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.

Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.