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There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi drivers turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I dont know but that face sure rings a bell."

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIESTS ASS SHOWS.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38! [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.

Scripture? replied the burglar, She said she had an axe and two 38s!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her.

Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples, she says.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you, the good Lord tells her.

Whats a man, Lord? she inquires.

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time.

But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord? she asks.

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, What
is this, Father? The father responded Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I dont know what it is!

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, Go get your Mother.

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a Teach
Yourself Hebrew book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.

What are you reading that for? he shouts at her.

She replies, I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven.

The cop says, Well, how do know that its heaven that you are going
to?

The old women answers, Well, honestly I dont, but thats okay. I
already speak Russian.

Jeff Goldberg Internet: goldberg@russell.stanford.edu

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful.

Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.

Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.

Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.

Thats not very good of you.

Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ……… Father? suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

Father, why are you hiding here?

Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ooohed and aaahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, What are the green fees?

Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods? the old man asked timidly.

Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

The old man looked at his wife and said, You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermon and the women said.. next time you fall asleep Im going
to stick this pen up your ass and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said Does anyone know what so and so said then?
and the women had just stuck the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say Hallelujah! and then the father said Correct my son..

the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say AMEN! and the father said Right again
my son..

the next week the father began to talk about Adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to Adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
Shove that thing up my ass one more time and Ill rap it around your
face! and the father said, no Im sorry, anyone else?