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You might be a redneck if…

Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonalds bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!

Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer?, asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?

No, sir, said Earl. Were on the patch!

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The one man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. I thought I told you to be quiet! he said. I was when the snake bit me, the man said. And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said Should we eat them or take them with us I screamed.

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as alanguage to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from theHickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI — noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew." BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts." IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH — noun. A tool used for tightnin bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR — noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh dont change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS — noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh dont git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE — noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin and the creek dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD — Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective. RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats." FARN — adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country." DID — adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "Hes did, Jim." EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He caint breath … give im some ear!" BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cumpny?" HAZE — a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah… haze ignert." SEED — verb, past tense. VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I aint never seed New York City… view?" HEAVY DEW — phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" GUMMIT — noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

You might be a redneck if…
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms. Right

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

Some rednecks were sitting around talking about how smart their dogs were.

One redneck spoke up and said, Ill tell you what boys, I house trained my hound dog Jake when he was just a pup. When he pooped on the floor, I would stick his nose in it and throw him out the door.

Now, he continued, when he poops on the floor, he sticks his own nose in it and jumps out the window.

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

What you should do is go out and buy a late 70 or early 80 model Dodge Pickup, said the Pastor.

Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.

The fellow asked, Will this help me live longer?

No, said the pastor, but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever.