Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
Dont worry. Someday your prints will come.
Q. Whats long and hard and brown and sticky all over?
A. A stick.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hales Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
Well, sonny, I cant remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.
The owner replies, Well, lets see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, I want this color sonny.
To which Nathan replies, Maam Im sorry, but we dont have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?
No son, I want this color.
But maam, they didnt make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the womans corn!
A frog went to get a loan at a bank.
The loan officers name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.
He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said this is what I have for colateral.
She took it to the bank president and said theres a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel).
She said do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan? The bank president said why, thats a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan.
Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other, So how do you drive this thing?
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, Are you all right? No, I lost an electron! Are you sure? Yeah, Im positive!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasnt too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like itd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wongs Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said hed probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wongs again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wongs to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. No charge, said Wong, but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after hed lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.
Well…tell me! he demanded.
The policeman said, We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, Give me the bad news first.
So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wifes body this morning in San Francisco Bay.
OH MY GOD!, said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, Whats the good news?
Well, said the policeman, When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.
Huh? he said, not understanding. So, whats the great news?
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender replies, For you, no charge.