A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the countrys leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, Thats the first time Ive ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, Ill be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!
Why is the United States so windy?
Because Canada sucks and Mexico blows!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender replies, For you, no charge.
Harveys grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, Vat sims to be ze problem?
Harvey says, Im not sure, but it doesnt go tick-tocktick -tock anymore. Now it just goes tick…tick…tick.
The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean?
Bob
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
Dont worry. Someday your prints will come.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
