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Osama bin Laden finally gets his due when a one-ton tomahawk



missile lands



on his tent one day. He immediately goes to



hell, where the devil is waiting



for him.



I dont know what to do here, says the devil. You are on



my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to



stay here,



so Ill tell you what Im going to do: Ive got a



couple of people here



who werent quite as bad as you. Ill



let one of them go, but you have



to take their place. Ill



even let YOU decide who leaves.



Osama bin



Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil



opened the first room.



In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept



diving in and



surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.



Such was his fate in hell.



No, said Osama bin Laden, I dont think so. Im not a good



swimmer and



I dont think I could do that all day long.



The devil led him to the



next room. In it was the Ayatollah



Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a



room full of rocks. All



he did was swing that hammer, time after time after



time.



No, Ive got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in



constant



agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,



commented Osama bin Laden.



The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill



Clinton,



lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head,



and his legs staked



in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was



Monica Lewinsky, doing what she



does best. Osama bin Laden



looked in disbelief and finally said, Yeah,



I can handle



this.



The devil smiled and said, OK, Monica, youre free



to go.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and W by V. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Dick Cheney gets a call from his boss, George W. Bush

Ive got a problem, says George.

Whats the matter? asks Cheney.

Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office so I got a jigsaw puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I cant find any edges.

Whats it a picture of? asks Cheney.

A big rooster, replies George.

All right, sighs Cheney, Ill come over and have a look.

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. G.W. points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to the president and says, Oh, for petes sake, George – put the corn flakes back in the box.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Ill be home in twenty minutes.

The other day Bill Clinton was seen running around the White House with a pair of womens panties wrapped around his arm. When an aide finally had the timerity to ask him what that was all about he confided Im trying to quit so I went on the patch!

font size=1>Note: People trying to quit smoking sometimes use the patch – a transdermal nicotine patch you wear on your skin.

Gore: (G)ennifers (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise

Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300 million
people why your splendor by-product is causing a tax hike to cover the
new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then its just a pain in
the ass.

- Alisa Meadows

The following, by Jules Feiffer, ran in Tuesdays The New York Times.

The monologue is delivered by a young woman, seated in a comfy chair, leafing through a copy of the STARR REPORT:

You read the complete text and you begin to understand …

That the real problem of the Clinton Presidency is not that he lied under oath or obstructed justice…

The real problem is that theres a teen-ager living in the White House.

Clumsy, flirtatious, demanding, rejecting … scared, shamed, dishonest, diffident.

No handcuffs, no whips and chains, just classic adolescent guilt-ridden lust.

I dont think he should be impeached … I think he should be grounded.