Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

Okay, the sheriff drawled, Gomer, what is 1 and 1?

11 he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but hes right.

What two days of the weekstart with the letter T?

Today and tomorrow.

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.

Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said, But were on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back, This is no time to be superstitious.

A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman?

No, I am an undercover detective.

So why are you in uniform?

Today is my day off.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louies office, the question was put to him.

So whats the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin or you just want to always be ready or what?

Not scared … Benny growled, been doin it dis way ever since me sister-in-laws weddin bout ten ten years ago now.

Oh yeah? … so …?

Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much … but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it, Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.

But WHY?!, Louie finally demanded?

Well, I was at da wedding, grumbled Benny, and I wasnt about to say nuttin about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.

The woman answered Well, I have contacts.

The policeman replied I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

You wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

There was a blonde speeding down the highway. A blonde cop pulls her over and asks to see her drivers licence. The blonde driver asks, What does it look like?

The blonde cop says, Its sqaure and has your picture on it.

The blonde driver pulls out a square makeup mirror and hands it to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop says Im sorry… I didnt realize you were a cop!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, Thats easy, well catch him fast because he only has one eye!

The policeman says, Well…uh…thats because the picture shows his PROFILE.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! Hed be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!

The policeman angrily responds, Whats the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because its a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds …think hard before giving me a stupid answer.

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesnt know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, thats an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and Ill get back to you on that.

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I cant believe it…its TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

Thats easy, the blonde replied. He cant wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

YOURE DRUNK! exclaimed the police officer.

Thank God for that! said the drunk, I thought the steering had gone.