A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded Ive always wanted to do that.
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?
No, maam, explained the officer, its your foot.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?
The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
Mister, the patrolman said to the driver, I think the best way to charge you is hauling wood without a truck.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number twos hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer.
I juggle them in my act.
Oh yeah? says the cop. Lets see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyre making you do now!
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 113.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 124.
What do you think? one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. Not a cop in sight. Lets take a chance!
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat.
The man groaned but didnt budge.
The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name?
Sam, the man moaned.
Where ya from, Sam?
With pain in his voice Sam replied … the balcony.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
When you and I get out of here, the jailbird said to the fly. were going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. What about this fly, eh? he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
Glad you saw it, muttered the bartender. Blasted things are everywhere.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
