A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.
A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking
handsome man gets on.
So then the brunette turns to the blond and says, Wow, he is so
good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off.
I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders! said the
brunette.
All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused
look and said, Ok, but how do you give shoulders?
What do you call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant!
A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesmans job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world - you could literally buy *anything* there. So tell me, the boss asked him, have you ever been a salesman before?
Sure have, said the lad, I was the best salesman in the county back home!
The boss liked the cut of him and said, Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up the store.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?
Oh, just one, said the young salesman.
Only ONE? blurted his boss. Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?
Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents, said the young fellow, smiling broadly.
How in hell you manage THAT?! asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.
Waaaall, said the salesman, this ritzy-lookin feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, ysee, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous bigun! I asked him where he was goin fishin and he said down the coast. I said hed probably be needin a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner yall aint been able to sell for nigh-on two years … yknow the bigun with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldnt be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!
Wait … said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?
Waaalll, naw, not zactly, answered the salesman, ysee, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, Hey pal, you and I both know your weekends screwed, so you may as well go fishin, right?
Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?
A: You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.
A brunette was walking on the railroad tracks saying,
21…
21….
21…. when a blonde jumped on. A train came and the brunette jumped off…the train hit the blonde. The Brunette then got back onto the tracks and started saying,
22…..
22……
22…..
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded, Ten pounds.
The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning..
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, Twenty pounds..
Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me, you can have me. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?, the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!, and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
If I catch you, Im going to screw you
Yo mama has green hair and thinks shes a tree.
Buying a Fur Coat
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?
The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!
Llega un recluta a la oficina del comandante y éste le pregunta:
Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?
Bartolo.
¿Cómo que Bartolo? ¡Dirás Bartolomé!
A mí me llama todo el mundo Bartolo.
¡Pues aquí te vas a llamar Bartolomé, como el santo Dios manda!
Y entra el siguiente:
Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?
Domingomé.
¿Qué coño Domingomé? ¡Dirás Domingo!
Hombre, como al otro le ha puesto el me.
¡Márchate, Domingo, coño!
Y en eso que llega el tercero:
Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?
Disculpe, señor comandante, pero ¿lo quiere con me, o sin me?
¡Sin me, cojones, sin me!
Pues me llamo Cos.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
