A TV commercial Id like to see, but probably never will . . .
Wife: Honey! Honey! Im pregnant! Were going to have a baby!
Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know?
Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . .
[Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view.
Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp).]
Narrator: Energizer(TM) , It keeps going, and going, and going,
until its too late . . .
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods. He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms. Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to marry.” “Why?” asked the man, smiling. “I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!” she replied.
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”
It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: “Re-read this line.” Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man.
“My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.
“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
