Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent, they think theyre listening.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Howard, dont worry about it. You arent the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you wont be the last.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Howard, youre a veterinarian.

From: http://www.geocities.com/jenneaux/

A guy walked into a bar and said

Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.

But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay.

Then the next day, the guy said Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!

The bartender said Why?

The guy replyed Youre violent when youre drunk!

You might be a redneck if…
Youre turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid…wait…I still do!)

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton…Monica who?)

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What…they launch their Depends at em?)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey…he needed the extra pricks.)

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle…I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? The pricks are on the inside.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

(Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris)

There was an old lady in a retirement home who had a bad case of Alsheimers; sometimes she could barely remember anything. One day her eldest son came to visit her. Do you know my name? he asked.

She looked at him and replied, No, sonny, Im sorry, I sure dont.

Later that day he came back to see if her memory had improved. When she saw him she asked, Hello, sonny. Did you ever find out what your name was?

Tommy and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs, Tommy came downstairs crying.

Whats wrong? His mother said.

Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer! said Tommy.

Well … Tommys mother said, Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be okay. Its actually kind of funny, I dont know why you didnt laugh when it happened.

Thats the problem, said Tommy through his tears, I did!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rosina!
Rosina who?
Rosina vase!