Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A man was telling his neighbour, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.

1. Sag, youre It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didnt need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

I dont know, he said. Shes still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

your mom is so old whan you tried to suck her titie powder came out

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? Grandpa replies, When your willies long enough to touch your ass, then youll be old enough and I will give you one.

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? He replies If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one.

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, Grandson, can I get one of those?

The boy asks, Can your willie touch your ass?

The Grandfather says Yes it can.

The boy says, Then go screw yourself.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks.

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
Sure.
Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks.
No, I can remember it.
Well, Id like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, sos not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
Wheres my toast?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: Slim, Im 83 years old now and Im just full of aches and pains. I know youre about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like a newborn baby.

Really!? Like a newborn baby!?

Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, What is the name of the restaurant?

The first man thought and thought and finally said, What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one thats red and has thorns.

Do you mean a rose?

Yes, thats the one, replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, Rose, whats the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?
No, he replied, just my arthritis acting up a little.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.