Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
14. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
13. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper
How careers end…
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasnt long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.
Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which lived there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost I mean no harm – I just want your photograph. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So whats the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company 203s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.