Haios! » Office

Have incredible dogs

admin — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 17:23:10 +0000

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, What can your dog do?. The Teamster called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said, Show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmens Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Sleeping on the job

admin — Sat, 01 May 2010 17:23:10 +0000

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. The coffee machine is broken….

5. Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

Must help the wife

admin — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:33:33 +0000

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.

Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!

Useful work phrases

admin — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 18:23:05 +0000

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

I dont work here. Im a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Letters to a landlord

admin — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:33:33 +0000

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

Stock market report

admin — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:23:07 +0000

Todays Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

An old occupation

admin — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:33:34 +0000

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old local blacksmith

admin — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:23:06 +0000

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. Dont ask me a lot of questions, he told the boy. Just do whatever I tell you to do. One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. Get the hammer over there, he said. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Boss wants too much

admin — Mon, 25 May 2009 17:23:11 +0000

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnsons arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.

And the boss said, And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?

An old occupation

admin — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:23:12 +0000

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.