Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasnt long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

How careers end…

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which lived there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost I mean no harm - I just want your photograph. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So whats the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, What can your dog do?. The Teamster called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said, Show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmens Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadnt been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, We cant ship your new order until you pay for the last one.

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, Please cancel the order. We cant wait that long.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…