Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

All the knights of the kingdom were leaving for the Crusade. One knight told his trusted servant, My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country and incredible in bed. If I die, I do not want such beauty and sexual talent to be wasted. I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journeys.The knights had only gone a short distance when they heard a horse charging up behind them. Thinking it might be an important message, the knights halted. The horseman who approached was the knights servant. Out of breath, he gasped, Hey! You gave me the wrong key!

Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?

Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Rajiv: Logic is very easy.

Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?

Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Zail: Oh, logic is easy.

Buta: Please, give me an example.

Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Buta: NO, I dont.

Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospitals more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the mans body they noted that the word tiny was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the mans discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

How could you go out with a man that had tiny tattooed on his love stick? exclaimed Joan.

How could I indeed! said Mary. It said tiny when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:

Tinys Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex.
Just how do you guys do it? asks Maureen. Pretty much the way
you do, responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Hes got only a teeny,
weeny member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I dont think this is going to work, says Maureen.
Why? he asks, Whats the matter?
Well, she replies, Its just not long enough to reach me!
No problem, he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
its quite impressively long.
Well, she says, Thats quite impressive, but its still pretty
narrow…. No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
Wow! she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?
I hate to say it, says Maureen, but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?
It was horrible, he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears.

Men cant go with women to the bathroom.
Women complain about the ailments of getting older. Men show off the
pot-belly theyve acquired and say they want two more just like it!
Guy-friends dancing with Gal-friends steers away potential girl/boy-friends
(or one-night stands).
Gals complain about their weight and guys laugh at them. A guy mentions he
might need to do a bit of toning up in the gym and the gal agrees with him, then
more things he needs to do to look better.
Cat-calling differs too much. Guys: I wish I had a swing like that on my
front porch! Gals: Look at that ass…!
Gals cant go out unless all their friends are also doing something. Guys go
out even if their best friends parents both died on a Princess Cruise
while filming The Love Boats 100th Reunion and his girlfriend just
dumped him for Tom Cruise.
Gals dont like the cat-calls they get from men. Guys wish they got more
cat-calls from women.
Gals like to just hang and dance with gal-friends. Guys will try to
Humpty Dance with their gal-friends… while shes trying too hook up with Tom
Cruise.
Women dont care who the top-ranked pinch hitter in the Minor League is.
Men get nervous about any womans driving. Men also spin their cars on snow
on purpose during the winter.
Men can eat all they want and still think they look like Joe Montana.
Gals will take strays home and try to find a real home for it. Guys will
play target practice with the stray as it tries to run out of the way (as the
car spins on the snow).
Guy-friends ask for their gal-friends to return borrowed clothes.
Gals will complement guy-friends when they look nice (or their gal-friends
for that matter). Guys make a big deal about Im not hitting on you, but…
when they compliment a gal-friend (they never complement their guy-friends).
Guys get ticked when he goes shopping with a gal and she doesnt take the
advice he gives her. Guy: But you asked me what color I liked better!
Guys read the newspaper. Gals go through looking for sales and see what
Kathys words-of-wisdom are for the day.
Women never get tired of visiting the shoe store or the pet shop.
Women ignore the phone for a nice hot bath. Men ignore the phone during a
basketball game. Women always call men during basketball games and men always
call women while theyre taking a bath.
Men can get their hair cut for $6.00.
Men dont have to shave their pits or legs, and still think they look like
Joe Montana if they go without shaving their faces.
Women are used to the herd instinct.

Gal #1: This is lame… lets do something else.

Other Gals: Okay! Where to?

Men do their own thing.

Guy #1: Dudes, this place is slammed. Im outta here!

Other Guys: Well leave then, you looser!

Note: this doesnt bother either group within the group, but when a the coffee
pots mix, the water goes sour.
Women can get free drinks at the bar, men only when with their gal-friends.
A man will ditch a woman to play with his newest electronic gadget.
When gal and guy friends park to talk, everyone else believes they just
parked.
Women enjoy spending $300+ on something they will use only once.
Guys cant play tackle football with gal-friends.
Women can watch Top Gun an infinite number of times and still get
excited when the shadow-scenes come up. Men live for Star Trek marathon
weekends when they start off watching all the hour-episodes, then go into the
six movies, and finale it with all the little specials they have accumulated
on-tape.
Guys will never understand how devastating breaking a nail really is.
In a movie, guys want to see more blood and more sex. Gals just want to see
Tom Cruise naked – once!
Guys still go out when they have a bad hair day. Gals cant go out until
every eyelash is properly sequenced.

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail Marys and Ill be right back.



Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.



Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?



In reply the altar boy said, Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No topless bars.
No Playboy channel.
No organized sports of any kind, to speak of.
Hooters. What is this Hooters of which you speak!
Sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? cant tell !!
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Oh, and by the way, when you die it all gets better!

There was a old man sitting on a bench outside the mall. A young man walked who had spiked hair that was orange, yellow, green and red. The old man just looked at him. The young man said Whats the matter old man? Havent you ever done anything crazy in your life? And the old man said Well actully I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wandering if you were my son.

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. What the heck is wolf style? you ask. Thats when you sit by the hole and howl!