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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon, he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously.

Very good. Six seconds, he said.

Eh, uh, the heart?

Very good! Four seconds left, he said.

I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host… CONGRATULATIONS!!

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
–Roseanne Barr

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone. –Elayne Boosler

If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldnt have time to do our hair. –Marlene Dietrich

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? –Linda Ellerbee

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. –Kin Hubbard

I dont want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno

Theres a large amount of evidence saying that the mans point of view is largely irrelevant. –Ralph Noble

Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women
for the chance to fight with them. –Vincent Price

A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. –Helen Rowland

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think
theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I
know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. –Jerry Seinfeld

Its not the men in my life that counts, its the life in my men. –Mae West

Ass, n.: The masculine of lass. –Unknown

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which youd like to have dinner
with. –Unknown

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house. –Unknown

From Thats Life, by Edward Dolnick in The Atlantic,
January, 1990, reviewing a newsletter called View from the
Ledge, which is produced by one Chuck Shepherd:

Long before Robert Borks name was well known, for
example, Bork had surfaced in View from the Ledge.
The Civil Rights Act routinely has been interpreted
to prohibit sexual harassment of employees,
Shepherd wrote in 1985, but Judge Robert Bork of
the US Court of Appeals . . . now reports that his
court says only such harassment by heterosexuals and
homosexuals is covered–but not that by bisexual
employers, who in theory do not discriminate among
their targets on the basis of gender.

Whats the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time… right?

Person 2: Yeah… today.
(In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
On second thought, lets turn off the lights.
And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…
(Holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth…
Smile, youre on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
Youre good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really… I do this part better myself!
Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Youre almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps youre just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Youll still vote for me, wont you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic – dont you?
Q: You can cook, too right?

A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…

Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.
Dont mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry, but I dont do toes!
You could at least act like youre enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.
So thats why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer!
Is this a sin too?
Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…
How long do you plan to be almost there?
You mean youre not my blind date?

sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the
clothes, divide the legs and pray you dont multiply.

An ant is walking through the woods and comes upon a huge hole. At the bottom
of the hole is an elephant trying desperately to get out. Being
a compassionate sort, the ant calls down Say, Mr. Elephant, would you like some
help? The elephant, unable to get out by himself, quickly agrees. So the ant
backs his Mercedes up to the hole and throws a rope to the elephant. When everything
is tied off the ant jumps in the car and pulls the elephant out. The elephant
is very grateful and offers to return the favor some time.

Sure enough, a short time later the ant, stuck in a hole, sees the elephant
stroll by. He calls out for help to the elephant. We all know elephants
never forget, so Mr Elephant is more than happy to help the ant. He stands
over the hole and lowers his dick to the bottom. The ant walks right up the
giant penis and out of the hole. The ant thanks the elephant and the two
continue about their business.

The moral of the story is, If youve got a big dick, you dont need a Mercedes!

This was told to me by Sandy and Darryl Bem, both of whom are Psychology
Professors at Cornell University.

The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had
decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the
typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to
impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children.
For example, a frequent phrase was the only difference between a male and
female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina. When the
parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or
female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), I
dont know, dear, they have pants on, so we cant see if they are male or
female.

One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear
hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put
barrettes in his hair.

That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems
rearing plan), who related the following story:

Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was
wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, Because I felt like it.
The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.

A little while later, the boy comes back and says, Why are you wearing
barrettes in your hair? Only girls wear barrettes; you must be a girl.
Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, I am not a girl; I have a penis and
testicles, girls have a vagina. The boy once again walks away.

During recess, the boy comes back once again, and insists that Bem is a girl
because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, The only difference between
boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a
vagina.

The little boy exclaims, You must be a girl; youre wearing barrettes.
But Bem replies, Im a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look–Ill show
you! At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis
and testicles…

The boy replies, Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes.