From a class on human sexuality at Cornell:
A middle-aged couple are discussing their plans. When Im eighty,
the man says to his wife, I plan on finding myself a pretty twenty-year-old,
and Ill have myself a real good time.
The wife is a bit fazed, but thinks up a reply. When Im eighty,
I plan on finding myself a handsome twenty-year-old, and twenty goes into
eighty a lot easier than eighty goes into twenty!
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.
The doctor said, That wont do you any good.
The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my shoes.
Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his.
But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone hes never seen before. What
do I do if shes ugly? says Mike, Ill be stuck
with her all night. Dont worry, Joe says, just go up to her door
and meet her first. If you like what you
see, then everything goes as planned. If you dont just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake
an asthma attack. Thatll give you an excuse to
cancel the date right then and there. So that night, Mike knocks at the girls door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at
how beautiful and sexy she is. Hes about to
speak when the girl suddenly shouts: Aaaaaauuuggghhh!
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubbys sex interest is down.
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Dont imagine you can change a man - unless hes in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him youre not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually oh alright, Ill stay the night.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldnt even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if hes your first, tell him you may be … you do look familiar.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, Mummy, what is that long thing?
His mother replies, That son, is the elephants trunk. No, at the other end. That son is the tail. No, mummy, the thing under the elephant. A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, Thats nothing.
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Daddy, what is that long thing?
Thats the trunk, son replies the father. No at the other end. Oh, that is the tail. No, no daddy, the thing below, asks the son in desperation. That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son? Well mummy said it was nothing, says the boy. Replies the father: I tell you, I spoil that woman …
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail Marys and Ill be right back.
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?
In reply the altar boy said, Two Snickers bars and a Coke.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from
each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the
campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked
for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a
little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole
three days there.
Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed
some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her,
and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!
Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?
No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.
Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers. Its a
given thing in this culture. If we believe what women have been telling
us, it seems that todays males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant,
confused, and uncaring.
Men are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of
timing or communication. But the truth of the matter is that women
contribute as much to our cultures sexual malaise as men do. Lets
consider the classes of lousy lovers among women:
The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent
flier plan, it would take her ten years to earn a trip from Heathrow to
Aberdeen. To live with her is to not know her. Not tonight, I have a
headache has become Not this year, I have a career. In this
relationship, the hand you hold will probably be your own, but dont be
embarrassed by that. Rejection and lack of interest are general all over
this workaholic culture. You think youre the Lone Ranger because youre
living with an Infrequent Flier? Then who are all those other masked men
out there?
The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of
everything, especially the extended orgasm. It is always just around the
corner, but the corner is forever disappearing into the distance.
Superman might be able to satisfy her, but its 60/40 hell finally give
up and take a nap. Be assured that when he awakes, hell hear about how
inconsiderate he was.
The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our
precious bodily fluids. She treats the male orgasm as if it were an
explosion at a nuclear powerstation. She scrambles away, a distasteful
expression on her face, as you lie there like a beached whale. By her
standards, sperm is radioactive poison and should never be deposited on
skin, sheets, or clothing. She is also the Fastest Douche in the West.
The Statistician: You can spot her by the tape
measure she keeps under thepillow and the pencil marks on her wall.
Shes a combination C.P.A., historian, and Official Scorer. Her brain is
one big computer printout, and if you ask her, shell reel off numbers and
measurements that boggle your mind: how your rate compared with other
lovers in terms of genital heft, number of orgasms (hers, then yours),
errors committed, times you were too base and runs batted in. Her
accounting will be accurate, impersonal, and cold. Only her eyes will
glow as she quantifies love.
The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician
is sister to the Statistician. Indeed, they may be one and the same
person. The Electrician punches data into her computer keyboard while
your lovemaking progresses, but it will be difficult for you to see that
as you struggle to keep your headphones from becoming entangled with hers
and as you sort out the vibrators that she keeps in a batrack by her bed.
On average, she will have two videotape machines running, one to record
your activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie for the
television monitor on her ceiling. Dont feel dehumanized by the
stockmarket ticker she has on her wall. And, yes, it can be
disconcerting when the Electrician carries on telephone conversations
from one of six phones she has on her headboard while you are huffing and
puffing away.
The Aerobic Lover: Isnt she something? Will her
activity ever cease? Why does your back hurt? Why are you dehydrated?
Why are you wondering if youll have a coronary and shell never even
notice? Is it fair that she can go for four hours straight and never
even stop for breath? Why does she wear her aerobic dance shoes to bed?
Lucozade instead of champagne. Only one change of sweatbands allowed.
Mirrors all over, even the floor. Bolero is too slow for her. What
are those yelping sounds she makes at odd moments? Why does she confuse
you with her aerobics instructor? Why does she have a hotline to her own
team of paramedics? Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen?
Why is she still bouncing on the bed?
The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean. There is
no known way to spot her beforehand, either. You just have to place you
bets and then go for broke.Its a sweet moment. Youre making love with
a warm and wonderful woman, and if the truth were known, this is how
youd like to make your living. You wait for her; you hold yourself in;
you administer and placateand excite. Then, as you feel her rhythms
rise, your own pleasure approaches; and as she rides into her sunset, you
take a deep breath and…your ears; what is happening to your ears? You
have never heard a sound like that before. Is it nuclear war? Is there
a jet engine in the room? There is this unearthly screeching going on,
and there is no distance between you and the screeching. She has your
head in a vise, and her mouth has just swallowed your eardrums. They are
somewhere slightly above her voice box, and they are now hers forever,
because you will never hear again, not a sound, not even the whimper of a
child. The Screecher has claimed another victim.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
