The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where hed dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, Listen, sir,
its real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesnt come out even, dont open the hatch.
[Heard on the radio recently in Ithaca, NY]
Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a
shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and
punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesnt work, beat the shark with your stump.
Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other no-playermust be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I cant talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, Charity Case — Return To Sender.
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Earliest Remembrances
Early
Pre-Teen
Adolescence
Post Adolescence
Early Adulthood
Adult Years
The Middle Years
The Present
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, Youll never find anyone like me again! Im thinking, I should hope not! If I dont want you, why would I want someone like you? A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too. If your parents never had children, chances are you wont either. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then its you. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here.
A marine and a sailor are in the bathroom. When they finish, the sailor says,In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands, and the marine says, In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.
The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.
First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.
With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.
The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.
Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.
The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.
The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.
The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.
The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.
The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.
Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.
Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.
The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?
The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.
The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!
The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!
As told to me by a friend in the British Army:
A British officer spotted a busker (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR.
The officer thought, Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: Gracias, Senor!!