Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)

The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.

Blindfold? he inquired.

No, thank you, said the condemned.

The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.

Please, he said, take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you.

The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.

Cigarette? offered the captain.

No thanks, said the prisoner, I dont smoke.

Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned
in and spoke in a confidential tone.

No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad.

(I dont think it needs to be stated that this might be offensive to smokers.)

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.





Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?





The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other no-playermust be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I cant talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits and then said If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DONT forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesnt know anything about a gift certificate theyre supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, Outback or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER-NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESNT WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I dont believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at

This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.



Canadians:

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.



Canadians:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



Canadians:

This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A wheelchair with pedals…
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses…
A submarine with a screen door…
A helicopter with an ejection seat…
A wooden fireplace…
A fireproof match…
A sliding glass door with a peephole…
And a solar-powered flashlight.

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See through tiolet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

Through the center of Lahore theres the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes
between India and Pak.
In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a
Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the
Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : Now thats a
fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!
The young woman is thinking : Now thats a strange Pakistani soldier, hedrather kiss that old hag than me.
The Pakistani soldier is thinking : Now thats a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped.
And Santa Singh is thinking : Gee Im smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with
slapping a Pakistani soldier.