Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.



One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

Ames
Here!

Jenson
Here!

Jones
Here!

Magersky
Here!

Seeback
—

Seeback!
—

SEEBACK!!!
—

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeants ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

Reading jerry298s story about the life-raft in the VW inspired me to write
down an incident that happened to me about 10 years ago. Like Jerry, it
took me about 5 years to see the humor in it.

About 10 years ago, I bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage
on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called Canada Dredge
and Dock. This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved
in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging
contracts.

One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out
when I discovered a red cylinder labeled Emergency Flare in one of the door
pockets. I thought Well, thats not a bad thing to have in the car. and
left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire.
I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation
area north of Toronto, and the weekend in question was the combined Canadian
July 1st and American July 4th holiday weekend. So the entire world was
headed home on the same road.

I got out to change the tire and my
brother-in-law said, Have you got an emergency flare in the van? I told
him about the one I had found and he ran down the road a few hundred feet to
set it up. I was under the van setting up the jack when I heard a loud pop.
I looked out to see Ron running towards me yelling, Its a marine flare.

Thats right, Canada Dredge and Dock, being a largely marine based company, had
left a marine emergency flare in their truck. In case anybody doesnt know,
a marine flare is like a very powerful roman candle, shooting balls of light
hundreds of feet up in the air so that drowning sailors will be seen by passing
ships. They are NOT intended to be set off late at night on a busy highway.

The first ball had missed Rons face by about 2 inches and the force had
tipped the flare over onto the little mound that he had made to hold it in
place. Now, as each ball came shooting out, the force would spin the flare
on the little mound, so that no two went in the same direction. One of them
shot right at us and passed between us as we stood no more than 5 feet apart.
One of them shot back up the road at 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. One of them
shot up into a farmers field and started a small fire. Neither of us was
about to go back and try to pick it up. Finally after about 7 or 8 shots,
it stopped.

Amazingly, the shots that went up the highway came between platoons
of traffic so nobody was hit, nobody even went off the road. Ron went and
put out the fire, I changed the tire, and we drove to the nearest pull-off and
sat there shaking for half an hour.

Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff …

From a Russian document:

one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.

Quote from a German general officer:

The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.

From the German Army Hand-Book:

The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.

(And this is no joke!)

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs, snickered one: You didnt really do that, did you?

Im positive youd never get through basic training scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?

The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldnt find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.



Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!



Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.



Ive got to get this guy, Al says to himself. He has the perfect arm!



So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.



The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.



Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the Super Bowl!



I dont want to talk to you, the old woman says. You deserted us. Youre no longer my son.



I dont think you understand, mother the young man pleads. I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Im in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.



No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….



The old lady pauses, in tears…

…Ill never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!

Q: Why do navy ships have marines on them?

A: Sheep would be to obvious.