At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range
had been canceled for the second year in a row, but
the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on
as planned.
One soldier mused, Does it bother anyone else that
the Army doesnt seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?
Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband says, Oh no! That must be your husband coming home.
And the wife replies, No. Hes off in the Navy for six months.
The french girl came home, sobbing because she was pregnant.
Who is the father of the child? her father demanded.
Well, he is the most famous man in France.
What? The President?!
No, father, the unknown soldier!
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!
The second guy waves this off and says:
My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!
The third guy waves both of them off and says:
My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!
They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:
My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and hes gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldnt hurt much. Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, This might hurt a little more than I
thought.
War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
Out there, said the captain, is your enemy. The man
who has made your life miserable, who is working to
destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war.
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. My God; the cooks
working for the other side!
The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called Paradise where everyone is happy all of the time.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyones satisfaction.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Ms Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you, Youre beautiful, Of course you dont look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep – Ill take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what women are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down and men would sit down to pee.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator!
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…
Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?
Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.