The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where hed dreamed
of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, Listen, sir,
its real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the
number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesnt come out even, dont open the hatch.
The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:
*My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Sally wint be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that
he was going to be stationed a long way from home
on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few
weeks after he got there he began to miss his new
wife, so he wrote her a letter.
My love, he wrote we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already Im starting to miss you and
theres really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that were constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had
a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, why
dont you learn to play this?
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he
rushed back to his wife. Darling he said, I
cant wait to make passionate love with you!
She kissed him and said, First lets see you
play that harmonica.
In the mid 80s a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a weeks shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughters coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. - One last point: no Jews - we dont like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out There must be some mistake.
Madam, said the first officer, Captain Cohen doesnt make mistakes.
(I heard this from my stepson, who says that it was running rampant
in the barracks while he was in the Army…)
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed
the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The
next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
So, did you jump? the father asked.
Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!
Is that when you jumped? asked the father.
Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other
men one at a time and throw them out the door.
Did you jump then? asked the father.
Im getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or
hed kick my butt.
So, did you jump?
Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over
the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about
six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you
gonna jump or not? I said, No, sir. Im too scared. So
the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or
Im sticking this little baby up your ass.
So, did you jump? asked the father.
Well, a little, at first.
Harveys friends all call him the better-luck-next-time inventor. In case youre wondering why, heres a partial list of his inventions:
Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the WV).
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).
One day air force one crashed on a farm. quickly the fbi came to investigate. they knew there were no survivors. they looked frantically through the wreckage to try and find the presidents body but it was no where to be found. there were only a few security guards. maybe the president hadnt died. maybe he had gotten out and went to get some help. in the next field over there was a farmer plowing his field like nothing had even happened. they quickly ran over to him.
fbi agent: excuse me sir, did you see that plane crash over there?
farmer: yessiree i certianly did.
fbi agent: did you see anyone get up and walk away?
farmer: nope, i buried them all this morning. didnt wantem stinkin up the place.
fbi agent: did you realize the president was on that plane?
farmer: yep, buried him too
fbi agent: you buried the president?
farmer: well he kept saying he was still alive but you know what a liar he is!
(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
Blindfold? he inquired.
No, thank you, said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.
Please, he said, take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you.
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
Cigarette? offered the captain.
No thanks, said the prisoner, I dont smoke.
Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned
in and spoke in a confidential tone.
No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad.
(I dont think it needs to be stated that this might be offensive to smokers.)
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other no-playermust be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I cant talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
