I think I need a pair of glasses
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Archive for the "Medical" Category
Letters from charities
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimers group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Youre in great health
Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
A doctor is complaining to a mechanic
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.
Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasnt changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.
Stuttering
One day a man went to the doctors office with a stuttering problem.
Hhhey dddocc, ccann yoou hhhelp mmmee wwwithh mmmmy st-st-uttering ppproblem?
The doc replied, Sure. Sit down.
The doctor then examined the man and in a low voice he told the man, Your penis is so bit that the sheer weight of it is pulling on your vocal cords, and therefore causing you to stutter.
Iiss ttthere aaannnyytthing tthat yyou ccan dddooo ttoo ffixxx iiit?, asked the man.
I can surgically remove about 8 inches, replied the doctor.
The guy said, Ddddoo wwhattever yyyou ccan tto hheelp mmme bbbeeccaauusse tthhis ststutterinngg iiss ddrrivviinngg mmee ccrrazzyy.
So the doc goes through with the opperation, and his stuttering stops. Two months later, the man comes back to the doctors office with a question.
Hey doc, the operation helped my stuttering, but my sex life sucks. Can you reverse the operation?
The doc replies, Fffforrrggettt itttt!
My son swallowed the can opener
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
Will this operation hurt me at all?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
A
A
woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe
pain."
"I know, but cant you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…"
"Like this?"
"A little more…"
"Like this?"
"No. A little more…"
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au
What is your problem?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Do you have a solution?
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!