A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?
His mom replies, The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life.
The boy thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black?
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.
The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?
A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside.
Then his wife.
Then the dog.
Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, Why are you going back in there?
The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in all countries, son.
Man and wife make one fool.
Laughing gas in balloons
At a friends wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons–all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.
A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So lets come to grips here. Honey… have you ever cheated on me? Ive never cheated on you.
He saw the twisted look on his wifes face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: How many times? And when?
The wife responded, Well… you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldnt get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?
The husband stared. You mean youre the one who got him to?
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. I guess thats okay. Any other times?
Well… when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time… I kinda…
Ah, youre the one who made it possible.
The husband looked honestly relieved. Well, thats understandable, you saved my life. Any others?
She nodded. One more.
The husband leaned forward. Well… you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes…?
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“Ive been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like youve had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.”
There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.
All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.
The devil asked the man, Why arent you running away like the rest of those fools?
The ran replied, Are you kidding? Why should I?
Ive been married to your sister for 28 years!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
She thought a second, and then replied, Youre going to die.