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This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said what the hell are you doing.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. But it really doesnt seem to be working she said.

The husband said wait a minute I have an idea. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said what are you doing?

He said well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten!

Their are three rings that make up a marriage:

engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally hes curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, I didnt know you were into earrings.

Dont make such a big deal, its only an earring, he replies sheepishly.

Well, Im curious, begged the man, how long have you been wearing an earring?

Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? Julie said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge

A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.

The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: Honey, what you need is more tail.

I know, I know replied the husband. Thats what I told you last night and you told me to go fly a kite.

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, Yes, no problem! So the minister says, Welcome to the church! Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it! So the minister says to them, Welcome to the church! Then the minister asks the newly wed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me. So the minister says, Im sorry, but you are both banned from this church! To this the husband replies, Thats O.K., we cant go back to Safeway, either.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin