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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness? He got the following reply.

Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since Im married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: Move over!

Ill just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.

They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, Oh, never mind! Ill just call my lawyer! It rattled the grooms mother so much that she fainted.

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.

Oh yeah, said Eddie. And how did this one end?

When it was over, Harvey replied. She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.

Really? Now thats a switch! What did she say?

She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-laws death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, Dont take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the worlds greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. Sos the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, Son, what happened last night?

His son says, Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Bill asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, Lady leave me alone, Im married!

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.

But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.

He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

……NO FEE

Write on the bottom of shoes

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote Help on the bottom of the grooms left shoe and Me on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.

Besides Help Me, other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (Im With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, Im Doomed!)