Buying a Fur Coat
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?
The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
The first man approached him and said, Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, My wifes first husband.
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wifes birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. Hell wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that shell really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, Marvin, come out to the hallway and look. Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, $59 and they didnt even iron it.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.
Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
When I tell you I love you, he asked, why do you always lower your eyes?
To see if its true, she answered shyly.
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
Is this yours? he asked.
She said, Yes, could you bring it up? The man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, Im about to have dinner. Theres plenty; would you like to join me? He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, Ive had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?
The man hesitated then said, Do you act like this with every man you meet?
No, she replied, only with those who catch my eye.
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitts sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that the sister was not as skilled with a blade as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with… a Misdeweiner!
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the drivers seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the drivers window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,Yes, Officer?
What are you doing? the policeman asked.
Well, sir, Im reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater.
How old are you, son? the officer asked.
Im twenty, the boy replied, looking at his watch. And in about twelve minutes, shell be eighteen.
Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the grooms tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the grooms. Explain to the tux shop what youre up to. Pick up the grooms fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Dont reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
