Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.
Q: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%
A: wedding cake
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?
The third man turns to the first two and says, Well, Ill tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.
The first two men were dumbfounded.
Whoa! What happened next?, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.
The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else. The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to?
A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.
Yes, you, sir, in the first row, said the dietician. Please give us your idea.
The man grinned and blurted, Wedding cake!
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited.
The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up, you look so excited.
The bride replies I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.
Honolulu – its got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. — Ken Dodd
My wife doesnt care what I do away from home, as long as I dont enjoy it.
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?
His mom replies, The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life.
The boy thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black?
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.
The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?