Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 Mystery Chefs to interrupt and tell us hes doing it all wrong.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Musician Jokes - In Score Order
How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Whats the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
Whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Whats the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?
Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
Whats the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
Whats the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
Whats the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the owners neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and dont return it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that youre hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Whats the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
Whats the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
Whats the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Whats a tuba for?
1 1/2 x 3 1/2
Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they dont disgrace themselves in parades.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
Would you like fries with that, sir?
What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Whats the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
Why are a pianists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and dont play.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
Whats the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists heads are larger.
Whats the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
Whats the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you dont have to retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldnt tell him which one.
How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
Whats the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
Whats the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end -
It would be a good idea.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.
Whats the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Whats the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
Why are conductors hearts coveted for transplants?
Theyve had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor. Hes told that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same message each time. The receptionist asks, Why do you keep calling?
I just like to hear you say it.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they both suck.
How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three… one, two, three…
Hey buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering ditto. And they dont do anything in the first place.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much well pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what well do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because shes to busy screwing her cousin! Isnt that funny!
Last but not least I would like to say to the makers of this sight that you are the dumbest bunch of SOBs that I have ever seen. You must have blacks on your mind everyday day and night to do a whole website of them. Maybe if you would stop thinking of them so much and think about the fact that your Sister is really your aunt then maybe you wouldnt spend as much time thinking about blacks. Also I am sick tired of hearing you all tell us to go back to Africa, well if thats the case why dont you go back to England because you stole this land from the Indians. Oh and the next time you want to call a black a nigger why dont you consider the fact that a nigger is an ignorant person and I guess that includes you to.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
New Family - Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates Ad (Long Version)
