Goose & Lawyer
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Archive for the "Lawyer" Category
Lawyer antijoke
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A terrible tragedy. Even lawyers have families, friends, and loved ones that will miss them from this suspicious drowning.
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Dead Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
Lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness
Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness?
He refused because he didnt see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.
Getting a Little Queer
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.
What do you mean?
asked the attorney.
Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?
No, he doesnt, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.
Motor Accident
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, Are you seriously hurt?
How do I know? the driver responds. Im not a lawyer!
Lawyers Lucky Break
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Female Lawyer
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick
Witness Interviews Gone Bad
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they aint so bright after all.
Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Did he kill you?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
Russian, Cuban, American and a Lawyer
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it… an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.