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Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

Temperature in Fahrenheit:



+60 Californians put on sweaters.



+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.



+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.



+40 You can see your breath.

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Minnesotans go swimming.



+35 Italians cars dont start.



+32 Water freezes.



+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.



+25 Ohio water freezes.

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream.

Canadians go swimming.



+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.

New York City water freezes.

Miami residents plan vacation further south.



+15 French cars dont start.

Cat insists on sleeping with you.



+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.



+ 5 American cars dont start.



0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.



-10 German cars dont start.

Eyes freeze shut when you blink.



-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.

Miami residents cease to exist.



-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.

Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

Japanese cars dont start.



-25 Too cold to think.

You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.



-30 You plan a two week hot bath.

Swedish cars dont start.



-40 Californians disappear.

Minnesotans button top button.

Canadians put on sweater.

Your car helps you plan your trip south.



-50 Congressional hot air freezes.

Alaskans close the bathroom window.



-80 Hell freezes over.

Polar bears move south.

Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.



-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.



-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

Court scene: 1st Lawyer: Youre a fool 2nd Lawyer: And youre a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.

The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?

I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?



The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, Well, thats fine, but its not really

quite enough to get you into Heaven.



The Lawyer said, Wait Wait! Theres more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.



Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?



Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter –

Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.

Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human

being.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.



Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.



I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.



Wait, theres more…

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.

Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.



THATS when I hit him!