A Priest and a Rabbi were talking one day.
And the conversation eventually turned as it always did, to the Rabbis Piety.
The Priest kept on urging him,Come on Rabbi, this is the 21st century. Why dont you lighten up? When are you going to break down and have a ham sandwich?
The Rabbi looked at him at length and replied,At your wedding, Father. At your wedding!
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States–the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.
He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! Ive just been elected president, wont you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I cant face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please.
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macys and Bloomingdales to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!
A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
The interviewer asks each, in turn, Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?
The Russian replies, Whats an opinion?
The Pole replies, Whats meat?
The American replies, Whats a shortage?
And the Israeli replies, Whats excuse me?
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.
What denomination?, says the clerk.
The woman says Oy vay, my g-d, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!
A rabbi went to a hotel.It was the only hotel in the town, and they had only a room available,
but it was kept for a priest, since a week before.
Entering the hotel, the priest hears the rabbi
insisting for a room, approach him and politely
propose him to share the room.There were two beds,
so it was enough space for both.Finely, the rabbi
agrees and they slept in the same room that night.
In the morning the priest say to the rabbi:You
know,I had a very strange dream last night.I dreamed I was in the jewish heaven.It was
almost dark, the streets were dirty,the people
were very poor dressed and they ate some soup
every day, oh, my god,it was terrible!
The rabbi say:That is odd,because last
night I dreamed I was in the christian heaven.
It was wonderful, the sky was so blue, and the grass was green,the birds were singing happy songs,there were rivers of milkn honey,the trees
were full of tasty fruits, but it was ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IN THERE
Three men are discussing their previous nights lovemaking. The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.
The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.
The Jew says, I covered my wifes body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.
The others say, Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?
He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the drapes.
Rabbi Schulmann was crossing the street and got hit right in front of the cathedral. the priest thinking he was dead, started his last rites….
about the time Rabbi Schulmann came too, he had reached yet not 3 Gods but one, the son the father and holy ghost, yet not 3 but one…
Rabbi Schulmann broke in, enough already with the riddles, call an ambulance already…and take that ridiculous looking shirt off ..young man.
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh
Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, Mr. Ford,
announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three.
We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept
his interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to
enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.
Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. Please step inside, Mr. Ford. What! shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy?
It must be two hundred degrees in that car! It is, smiled the youngest
brother, Max, but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button.
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air
started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the
automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
This is amazing! exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?
Norman spoke up, The price is one million dollars.
Then he paused. And there is something else. The name Cohen Brothers Air- conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!
Money is no problem, retorted Ford, but no way will I have a Jewish name
next to my logo on my cars!
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five
million dollars, but the Cohens last name would be left off.
However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned
upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see
those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:
NORM HI and MAX
Three rabbis were bragging about how liberal they were.
Rabbi #1: We have ashtrays by the seats.
Rabbi #2: Thats nothing! Come Yom Kippur service, we hand out sandwiches… ham sandwiches.
Rabbi #3: Thats nothing! When the High Holy Days come, we lock the doors and put the sign: Closed for the holidays.
Two Jewish ladies who were neighbors in New York met unexpectedly in Miami one winter.
Why Shirley one of them said, I had no idea you were here
So listen Ruthie said Shirley now that we met I just must tell you, I am having an affair!
How wonderful said Ruthie, who is doing the catering?