Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?


I dont like her.

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, I know tonight is Kol Nidre but tonight is the European Cup Final and my team is playing . Ive got to watch the game on TV.

The Rabbi responds, Gotlieb, thats what VCRs are for.

Gotlieb is surprised. You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?

The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and hed do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.


It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.


The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, were supposed to execute you but well let you go if you pass 3 tests.


There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.


In the second is the Sheiks favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.


In the third is the Sheiks favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.


The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.


The Arabs hear nothing but loud roaring and the shredding of fabric. Then dead silence. They are sure he is dead. A few moments later however, the young man emerges unscathed but his clothes are in tatters. He exclaims, Well I believe that should do it for the Sheiks Favorite Wife — now wheres that Lion with the thorn in his paw?!

The President of the synagogue went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.

Minister: I would like someone to say He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.

Rabbi: I would want someone to say Look, hes moving.

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone.


Of course it wasnt good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.


Adam, He said, I have a plan to make you much, much happier.


Im going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.


Adam was stunned. Thats sounds incredible!


Well, it is, replied the Lord. But it doesnt come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that its going to cost you an arm and a leg.


Thats a pretty high price to pay, said Adam. What can I get for a rib?

A mohel was in the unsual habit of saving the foreskins from the babies he circumcised. Everyone thought this was evidence enough that the old man was deranged. When they found out that he wasnt just saving them, but sewing them into miniature change-purses, they were ready to call for the men in white coats.

The mohel insisted, though, that he was in full possession of his faculties. Im just being practical, he said. Theyre the most useful change-purses in the world. Just watch! You rub one, and it turns into a suitcase!

A Jewish kid is sent to a Jewish school by his parents.

After two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness. So his parents raise the money and send him to a private school.

However, after two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness. Having no choice, the parents send the kid to a public school. However, after just one week he is suspended for fighting, lateness and laziness. His parents feel terrible.

What to do, what to do!

Finally they decide there is only one thing more they can do. So they enroll him in a Catholic school. Weeks go by and the boy is still in school.

In fact, he has good grades and the nuns speak well of him. His parents are amazed.

They ask the kid, “How is it you got kicked out of Jewish school, out of private school and out of public school but you don’t get kicked out of Catholic school?” “You should see,” says the kid, “what they have hanging on the wall.”

A Nice Jewish Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.


He cant


wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor


finally comes


over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how


smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his


master, tail


wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright


with


anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay,


Irving,


Fetch!

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail


wagging


furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile


disappears. He


starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy,


wagging my


tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts


me in


such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating


that dreck


you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it


gives me


gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try


it if you


think its so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me


out the door


to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell


you! And


when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant


remember


when!

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment,


he says,


I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is


sitting on the sofa talking to us.

I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained


yet. He


thought I said, Kvetch.