Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.

A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. Listen, Id really like to meet that girl, can you help me.

Sure says the bartender, have you ever heard of Jewish Fly.


No, is it like Spanish Fly, replies the man.

Much better than that. Says the bartender.

The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.

A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.

The man walks over, sits down and says May I get you another drink

No, she says in a deep sexy voice,

But you can take me shopping

Doctor Moshe Rabinowicz and his wife Rachel are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, and you are not any good in bed either as he storms out of the house.


After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls Rachel and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated Moshe says what took you so long to answer the phone?


She says, I was in bed.


In bed this late in the day, doing what?


I was getting a second opinion she replied.

Moshe had a happy marriage for 25 years.


For the 25th aniversary they have decided to go to the same place they had their first sex and do it like they did it the first time.


So, they went to the same forest next to the city and found the same hidden place they had sex 25 years ago.


After all the action was over Moshe said:


- Listen,dear, we ve had sex with you for 25 years but such a performance like today you have never done before. Such good movement, so nice twisting………


- Oh – the wife said – if you had on your bottom the nettles I had today youd twist too!

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the man seated in front.

What are my choices? he asked.

Yes or no, she replied.

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, This is matzoh ball soup.

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. Just have a taste. If you dont like it, you dont have to finish it.

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmmmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

That was delicious, he said. Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), So, Becky, I was wondering… have you ever cheated on me?

Becky replies, Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…

Well, all right, three times…

Three, hmmm, well when were they?

Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan… remember? Then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…? Well…

Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me…. So when was number two?

Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you…? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…? Well….

Oh my G-d!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me to save my life… I couldnt have a more wonderful wife… To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling… I couldnt be more moved… So, all right then, when was number three?

Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation…? And you were a mere 47 votes short…?

Two Jews walk past a church and see a big sign saying Convert to Christianity and well pay you £500.


Moishe turns to Avi and says What a great offer…why dont you go in there, take the course, say youve converted to Christianity, and then well spend the cash!


Avi says Brilliant idea. You wait outside and Ill get the money.

An hour goes past. Then 2 hours.

Finally, after 5 hours, Avi comes out of the church.

Moishe asks: Well?

Avi: Well, now I believe in Jesus, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost.

Moishe: No, no… what happened to the £500.

Avi: Thats the problem with you Jews…you only ever think about money..!!

Q. What do you call a condom filled with matzoh meal?

A. A Pesach-dick

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.


At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup.


George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldnt eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The


aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he doesnt, at least, taste it.


Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheeps eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth.


He hesitated, then swallowed. A big grin appeared on his face. He


discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl.


That was delicious! Bush said to Sharon. Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?

I dont know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel ) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives:one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

b. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, it now gets Ferklempt.

c. The Chanukah screen saver includes Flying Dreidels.

d. It shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

e. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

f . The Start button has been replaced with the Lets go!! Im not getting any younger! button.

g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PCs tuchus.

h. The multimedia player has been renamed to Nu, so play my music already!

i. Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

j. I hear Hava Nagila during startup.

k. Microsoft Office now includes, A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.

l. When running Scan Disk it prompts with a You vant I should fix this?message.

m. When my PC is running low on memory, I occasionally hear a loud Oy Gevalt!

n. There is a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the schmutz und drek on your monitor.

o. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen.

p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

q. Year 5761-5762 issues have replaced the Y2K problem.

r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: You should be ashamed of yourself.

s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, Is this the best you can do?

t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, If your mother knew you did this, she would die.

u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you cant get Spam in your e-mail.