Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Frank and Estelle are lieing in bed together and Frank is watching Match of the Day on TV.

As Frank is watching the game and as the game is getting interesting he hears Estelle say, Frank you will never guess what I heard about the Epsteins today!.

Frank then turns to Estelle and says, Can this wait? Cant you see that I am trying to watch the game here!

Fine! Estelle replies, have it your own way, I am just sick of you watching that idiot TV box all the time, thats all. Why dont you try doing something constructive? Llike reading a book for a change!

Fine by me! says Frank, I will. Anything for a bit of piece and quiet from you!

So Frank turns off the TV and picks up a detective novel and begins to read.

After a few minutes Frank becomes immersed in his book but can hear loud annoying sighs coming from Estelle so without looking away from his book he asks, What is it now Estelle?

You know what our problem is Frank? says Estelle.

No. Frank replies still trying to read his book.

Our problem is we never talk anymore Frank! Shouts Estelle.

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

Listen. he says, When you went through the red light, I didnt say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: Are you crazy?!, he shouts. The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, May I help you, Sir?

Yes, replied the customer, I would like to buy a pound of lox.

No. No, responded the dignified salesperson, You mean smoked salmon.

Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.

Anything else?

Yes, a dozen blintzes.

No. No. You mean crepes.

Okay, a dozen crepes.

Anything else?

Yes. A pound of chopped liver.

No. No. You mean pate.

Okay, said the Jewish patron, A pound of pate. And, he added, Id like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday.

Look, retorted the indignant salesperson, We dont schlep on Shabbos.

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do all Martians dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, Oy! The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, Oy Vey!

The others nodded.

A third woman said, Oy, Gottenyu!

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, Enough talk about the children. Lets go for a walk!

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, dont ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. Youll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?

No, sveetheart, she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

Oiy, no! Im sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque, she says.

Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month, he asks? Oiy, forgive me, Abe, begged Esther. I didnt sent zat vun either.

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, So, vy did you kiss me?

Abe answers, Theyll find us!

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.

But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?

Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.

But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?

No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.

Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.

Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah.

Moshe wakes up one morning and says to his wife, Sadie:

Aaarrrggghhh, Sadie! Ive got a terrible pain on the left side of my body….aaarrrggghhh….I think I must have appendicitis!

Sadie sighs and says, Dont be silly Moshe. Youre appendix is on the right side of your body!

At which Moshe replies, Well thats the problem! My appendix is on the wrong side!

Q. Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the synagogue