Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?
No, I stopped drinking years ago, the bum said.Will you use it to gamble?I dont gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay live.Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?Are you NUTS! I havent played golf in 20 years!The man said, Well, Im not going to give you two dollars. Instead, Im going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The bum was astounded.Wont your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know Im dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.The man replied, Hey, man, thats OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like whos given up drinking,
gambling, and golf!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?

Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!

Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?

I found it.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. I cant find any green golf balls, the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but hes too polite to say anything.



When I tee off, the singer explains, I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.



Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.

When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldnt possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.



But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, OK, its your money… when do you want to play?



Stevie replies, Ill play on any NIGHT you choose!

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of FORE.

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call GORE while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I cant believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

This guys wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he
said he didnt think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring
him and finally he gave in.

So theyre on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits
one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second
shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This
lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.
Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks
one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and
search and find the ball, and he says to his wife, Ill just
take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway.

His wife says, Wait a minute! She walks over to the barn and
opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and
opens that door too. She says, Look, honey, you can see the
hole from here! The way youve been playing, just hit through
the barn and youll do okay.

So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets
off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing
her instantly.

The grief-stricken man didnt play golf for several years after
his wifes death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him
into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly,
he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and
he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn! They finally
find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in
the fairway. One of his buddies says, Wait a minute! and runs
and opens the barn doors.

The guy screams at him, You dirty SOB, the last time I tried
that, I took a 9 on this hole!!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling Gama Su!, Gama Su!. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, Gama Su! Gama Su!



Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldnt find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cows ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence – she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cows tail and pointed and said, Lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.