The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor.
P-u-t-t is correct, he replied.
Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk
OK then said the man tell him Im playing again in a week.
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy did you see where it went
The caddy then said yes
OK then where is it?
The caddy replied I forgot.
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that, his friend says.
Well, Harry replies, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do.
Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament? A: Tiger Woods.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.
God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Vince.Who? asked the man.Vince Sabio. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time.The man replied, There are always a few clouds over everybody.Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.replied the cabbie.He was something, huh? asked the man.He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out. added the cab driver.No wonder you remember him. remarked the man.Well, I never actually met Vince. said the cabbie.Then how do you know so much about him? asked the man.The cab driver answered, I married his widow.
A man calls a lawyers office. The phone is answered Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Im sorry, hes on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring thats the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?
Joe says, Yes I did.
Well, says the police officer, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And its all because you sliced the ball.
Oh my goodness, says Joe, is there anything I can do?
Yes there is, the cop says… Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.
In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of
southern Indiana, theres a microcosm of all that is (and shall ever
be) the Great Mid West. Its known as Brown County. Yup. Thats
my hometown!
And if you want to know whats going on in Brown County, you only
have to read the Sheriffs Log in the local paper, The Brown County
Democrat. Heck, even if you dont want to know whats going on, you
still read it for the comic relief!
This is a small collection of some of the actual phone calls received
by the Sheriffs department in good ol Brown County, Indiana:
Man on Bellsville Road reported someone has knocked down
his mailbox and then came back and ran over it.
11:14pm Man reports suspicious vehicle on Butler Road.
11:34pm Deputy reports vehicle had a couple of lovers
in it. They were advised to pull the car off the road.
Man has found a couch hidden behind a wood pile.
Womans washing machine has overheated. Womans unplugged
it, but it is still smoking.
Man is coming out of a man hole.
Person calls to ask if it is raining.
Man reports the covered bridge in Bean Blossom didnt feel
right when he drove over it. County highway is advised.
Someone reports nude swimmers at Pikes Peak–two cars
dispatched.
Trouble reported at the county dump. Someone abandoned a
person there.
4:02am Caller reports a boat just went through Morgantown
at a high rate of speed, headed west.
Woman phones that she has found a bull.
Man wanted to know if he could burn his house down. Was
advised to talk to the fire department.
Man complains on phone of noise pollution from helicopter.
He said sheriff department should stop the helicopter.
Someone on phone said, Id like to report a fire and then
hung up.
2:20pm Woman on 135 north suspects radiator may have been
stolen from auto.
2:47pm Deputy reports radiator not stolen; woman was confused
because radiator was not behind grill on transverse engine.
Man wants to know if sheriff would like to come watch his
snakes eat.
Woman requests a deputy–her pussycat is sick and will not
come out from under the bed. Deputy enroute.
Cattle are out; Sheriff enroute to help round up the herd.
4:11am Girls at a slumber party request assistance. Two
deputies enroute.
Man advises there may be domestic trouble soon at his home.
6:41pm Woman on Three Notch Road phones that she accidentally
grazed her husband while shooting hogs.
6:51pm Woman phones again to advise disregard earlier phone
call. Says her husband received only a couple of small scratches
on his chest from ricocheting shotgun pellets.
Man phones to say a dog has bitten his child. He shot dog and
is taking its head to State Board of Health.
Monroe County said a woman wanted us to be on the look out for
her husband who is drunk. She said she was worried about the car.
Man reports his son has run away with two girls.
Man reports he will be burning his sisters barn on Valley
Branch Road.
Woman reports her husband may report his car stolen but she has
it and he knows it.
Man complained that a neighbor has got a dog in heat and his dog
left because of it. He was advised to call the Humane Society
because there is not much you can do about Mother Nature.
A grouse flew through a window on Helmsburg Road setting off a
burglar alarm, and cat ate the grouse.
Woman on Artist Drive reported varmits in their flue.
9:13am Eleven cows missing since last night on Green Valley Road.
9:42am Disregard on missing cows. They have come home.
Woman at Fruitdale complains that neighbors dogs wont let her
go to mailbox.
Man advises that his dog, which bit a person has been all right
since then.
Man from Gnaw Bone advises that two unauthorized cows are on his
property.
Woman reports she found a dead dog in her bed. Deputy investigates.
9:01am Cow is tearing up golf course.
4:20pm Man who reported cow tearing up golf course reports a
heard of cattle is now on the golf course.
Woman reported several sleazy males at Long Mountain.
Woman reported a party going on at Helmsburg with a bunch of kids
and that one girl is parading around in her nighty with a beer in
her hand.
Woman reports car heading north from Stonehead. Two scroungy
male subjects are in the vehicle driving very slowly. Also had
a tent-like affair inside of car.
Seedy looking subject reported at the corner of Helmsburg Road
and Jackson Branch Road.
Oak Ridge Road resident complains of car which has been messing
around at night and early mornings.
Man requests deputy to tell his wife he has two buildings on fire
and doesnt know when he will be home.
Prisoner released to the custody of father to register for college.
And no, that last one wasnt me, either ;-)
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.
God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?