Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, "Whats the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable." Bill said, "Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him, "that mustve been terrible!" "It was," he said, "all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…"

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, Im sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf, and you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse! That must have been very hard for you, considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.Oh, carrying him wasnt that hard, said his friend, sadly. The difficult part was putting him down … and then having to pick him up again after every stroke.

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?

Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!

Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?

I found it.

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.



He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.



The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: Whack! Damn!
Bad Skydiver: Damn!! Whack!!

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, Why are you back in so early? Whats wrong? I was stung by a bee, she said
Where?, he asked.
Between the first and second hole, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, Then your stance is too wide.

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high: USE THE NEW BALL… Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky: TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.. The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again: USE THE OLD BALL.

An inept golfer once drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings, he demolished the anthill but still had not hit the ball.

At this point, one of the two ants still alive turned to the other and said, If we are going to stay alive, we had better get on the ball!

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

Theyve been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green.

Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green.

Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap.

A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old mans card. Alright Dad, stop showing off!

Chet Wolford tells this one:

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldnt take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, Honey, next Friday were going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. Well get a condo on the golf course and Im going to play
golf all weekend.

That sounds fine, she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, Mind if I play along?

The exec. said, Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasnt a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.

Whoa, he said. Thats a high powered rifle!

Look, said the other man. Im not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

No. No, said the exec. Im just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, Well, Ill tell you. Its
my business. Its what I do for a living.

Wow, said the other. Ive heard about guys like you, but Ive never met one
before.

Still want me to play? said the other.

Sure, said the Erie exec. As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, theres my wife. He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, she doesnt have any clothes on. He
looked through the scope again. Damn, theres a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. How much do you
charge?

$10,000 a bullet, said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, Do it.

Which one? said the hit man.

Both, said the exec.

Thats $20,000, you know.

I dont care. hit em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. Where do
you want me to get the man? he asked.

You know where to hit him, said the exec.

How about the woman?

In the mouth. Shes always flapping her gums anyway.

Ok, said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. Mister, he said, I think
Im going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.