Once this guy found a magic lamp. He rubbed it 3 times and a genie came out. She said I will grant you 3 wishes for releasing me. First, the guy wished for money. He got it. Next, he wished for a new truck. While he was driving along in his new truck, he heard his favorite jingle. He started singing along to it,Oh, I wish I were an Occar Mayer Weener, that is what I want to be, for if I were an Osc- POOF! the guy turned into a hot dog.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,
Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till Im half dead.
3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.
The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.
The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me.
There was a girl who found a bottle, it was dusty so she rubbed it and a genie came out saying, u have 3 wishes, but whatever u wish for, i get 2x as much.
so she said ok
i want a million dollars, so she got a million and the genie got doubled that
then she said a mustang, then the genie got 2 mustangs, she was mad so she said beat me half to death.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think wed be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls,
dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,
we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Bob and joe are fishing in a boat. bob pulls up a lamp on his line. a genie pops out and said he would give bob one wish. bob said to turn the lake into beer. the genie granted his wish. bob turned to joe and asked,what do ya think? joe said,i think youre an asshole! now we gotta piss in the boat!
One day Buddy and Ruddy come upon a genie. The genie says, You EACH get three wishes. So Buddy wishes, I wish for all the beautiful women in the state. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy says, I wish for a million dollars. The genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I want all the beautiful women in the COUNTRY. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I would like a Harley Davidson motorcycle. So the genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I wish for all the women in th WORLD! The genie hesitates and grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I wish that Buddy was a woman.
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.
Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?
A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?
The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.
Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,
The bartender is mightily impressed.
That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?
Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,
Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.
Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?
Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.
There is a blond a brunette and a redhead and they get shipwrecked and are all stranded on a desert island. the brunetee is trying to think of a way to get back to land while the redhead gets food and the blond digs in the sand. Suddenly the blond cries out come look, come look so the brunette and the redhead come over to see what the blond has found, it turns out to be a magic lamp so they rub the lamp and a genie comes out and says i will grant you 3 wishes so the redhead says I wish i was back with my family POOF she is back with her family. the brunette says the same, POOF she is back with her family and the blond says sure is lonely without those guys i wish they were back here POOF, POOF, thy are all stranded on a desert island.