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If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



Rule # 2

If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?



Rule # 6

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.



Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.



Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.



Rule # 10

When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?The genie laughed loudly and said, Thats impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why theyre crying and know what they really want when they say nothing. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double, said the genie.
Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars, said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
Hmm… but now my ex-wife has two million dollars, said the man, But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson, said the man.
And now, for your last wish? asked the genie. Hmmm… YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didnt think of this earlier?! replied the man. For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!

Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, You will each get one wish. The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter. The genie turned him into a woman.

There was three guyz on an island, lets call them 1,2, and 3. they were on the brink of death when 1 found a lamp with a genie in it. The genie tells them to get 10 of the same fruit and then come back to him.3 returns first with apples. The genie tells him okay shove these 10 apples up your butt and if you do not change your facial expression ill get you off this island. So he starts 1,2,3,4,5 then he yells in pain so he is stuck on the island forever.2 returns with berries and the genie tells him the same thing. So he begins 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 then he starts cracking up laughing, so he is punished by being stranded on the island forever. while 1 is testing his talent 3 asks 2 Why did you satart laughing, you were so close?! 2 said i saw 1 had pineapples!

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, says the guy. The genie wasnt sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

Guy, the genie said, You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. Whats your second wish.

Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.

Thats easy, Guy, says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldnt think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

Genie, the guy said, I cant think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.

Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I cant escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when youre ready, and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and says For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.He thinks for a little while longer and says For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world. The genie says You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right? The man nods and says For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death

A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.

He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.



So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.

Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.



So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.



Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.



Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.

No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.



Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.



And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want.



I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.



Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!