A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, Youre a man of God. Cant you do something about this?He replied, Sorry, I cant. Im in sales, not management.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructors advice: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.The instructor addressed the man, Can you describe your wifes favorite flower?Tom leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Its Pillsbury, isnt it honey?The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so Ill stop right here.
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the
female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See
rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined,
at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems
appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the
females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading
reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether
or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do
so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of
the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident
without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish,
of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or
has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or
oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the
ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect,
devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic
pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats,
aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or
belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the
female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations,
defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained.
Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, Did God make you, Grandpa?
Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too?
Yes, He did, the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.
squiffy :)
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, Youre in charge of sweeping.
To the Irishman he says Youre in charge of shovelling.
To the Chinese guy, Youre in charge of supplies.
He then says Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: Why didnt you sweep any of it!?
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat de Chinesea guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didnt shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin him.
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
!!Supplies!!
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, heres the Golden Rule of e-mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
On that note thouest haveth a good weeketh!
Jessica
http://www.affiliatewindow.com
A woman was pregnant with triplets when a robber came through her door and shot her three times. One bullet went into each of the children.
At the hospital, the doctor told her that all of her children were fine, but that sometime in their lives, they would pass the bullets in their stool.
Years later, one of the woman’s teen-age daughters approached her and said, Mom! Youll never guess what happened!
Mom said, You passed a bullet, didnt you? Shocked at her mothers reply, the daughter asked how she knew, and Mom told her the story.
A week later the other teenage daughter had the same experience. Mom! she said, Youll never guess what happened to me! Mom guessed correctly, sat her down and told her the story.
The following week, the womans teen-age son approached her and exclaimed, Mom! Youll never guess what happended to me!
You pooped a bullet, didnt you?
No, said the son. I was jacking off and I killed the dog!
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you a glass of milk.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about
who has the most ability and who has the most need. Meanwhile, no one
works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
black market.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the free
market.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Capitalism
You dont have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you dont have any cows to put up as collateral.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Anarcho-Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
President
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Division Manager
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Plant Manager
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Sales Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by a locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
Salesman
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
Production Manager
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, Look at the choo-choo.
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Controller
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
Some years ago, the now-defunct airline Braniff advertised their business class section with leather seats and more leg room with the following: Fly in leather with three more inches. Spanish for in leather is en cuero. However, en cueros means naked. The Spanish version of Braniffs slogan thus became: Fly naked with three more inches. What a manly airline …