Aeroflot v.s. SCUD Missile
Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Archive for the "General / Unsorted" Category
General Kitchy Kitchy
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Married at a Nudist Colony
Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!
Frog meets a Psychic
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you.
The frog says, This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or
what?
No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.
Meeting of the body parts!
THE BODY PARTS MEETING
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:
The brain said I do all the thinking so Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said: Without me we wouldnt be able to pick anything up or move anything. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said: I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, wed starve. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said: Without me we wouldnt be able to move anywhere. Im the most important and I should be in charge.
Then the rectum said: I think I should be in charge. All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!! You dont do anything! Youre not as important as we are, surely! You cant be in charge!
So the rectum closed up… After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldnt take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story? You dont have to be the most important to be in charge…. just an asshole!
Facts of Life!
Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent, they think theyre listening.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Guilty Doctor
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Howard, dont worry about it. You arent the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you wont be the last.
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Howard, youre a veterinarian.
From: http://www.geocities.com/jenneaux/
Beers for everyone!
A guy walked into a bar and said
Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.
But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay.
Then the next day, the guy said Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!
The bartender said Why?
The guy replyed Youre violent when youre drunk!
Responses On the Bible
Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:
The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid…wait…I still do!)
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton…Monica who?)
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)
Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What…they launch their Depends at em?)
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey…he needed the extra pricks.)
The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle…I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)
The family stress test
As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
(Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris)
