Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, Mama, Im sooo hungry, what can we eat?
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, How about some Baskin Robbins?
This was first written for the population of bobcats being crowded by the suburban expansion in the Orange County area of California. Since then it has been endorsed by the coyote population, and populations of other natural predators being pushed out of their natural habitats.
You move your homes into my abode
You bulldoze a canyon for a toll road
You have an airport for supersonic jets
So, Ill come down and eat your pets.
Author unknown; printed in the Orange Section of the L.A. Times, Sunday, June 29, 1997.
A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION
There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned.
She was considering a weeks vacation in sunny Florida at a
particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
accommodations first.
Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldnt
bring herself to write toilet in a letter. After considerable
deliberation, she settled on bathroom commode, but when she
wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the
letter to the campground, and referred to the bathroom commode
as the B.C..
Does the campground have its own B. C.? is what she actually
wrote.
The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed
the letter around to several people at the campground, but they
couldnt decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church,
so he sat down and responded:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I
now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine
miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250
people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you
will be pleased to know that a great number of people take
their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive
early and stay late!
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it
was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were
there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a
supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper
is going to be held in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able
to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire
on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather!
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY
KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WELL ALL
ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!
Robert (Bob) Pitts
MID-LYD Systems
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said Ya know Mahtha, Ahd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.
Every year Martha would say, Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.
So Stumpy says, By Jeebers Mahtha, Im 71 yeahs old, if I dont go this time I may nevah go.
Martha replies, Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.
So the pilot overhears them and says, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I wont charge you, but just one word and its ten dollars.
They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing… so fair is fair and he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didnt!
And Stumpy replies, Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out… but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff?
To save lives. the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted.
It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school, replied the professor.
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout swim for it!
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.
Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!
It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.
Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily.Ive been saved.
Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.
Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.
Did he now, said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.
Is that a fact, said the old nun even more evenly.
At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.
That wicked old Devil, said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!
When the police came up tp this man and sayedu cant go fishing her the man sayed im not im giving my pet worm a bath.
20 Reasons Throwing Up is Better thanDormFood
After you throw up, you feel better.
You can throw up whenever you want.
When you throw up, you dont have to wait in line.
Throw-up is always warm.
You dont have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.
When youre throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.
You can lose weight throwing up.
You dont have to pay to throw up.
Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.
When you throw up, you dont have to come back for seconds.
You dont have to throw up everyday.
Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.
You can throw up without a photo ID.
Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.
They dont ration throw-up.
After you throw up, at least you know what youve eaten.
Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.
You dont have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.
A dog will eat throw-up.
After you throw up, at least theres some taste in your mouth.