Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator its glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, its pathetic.

6. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks were gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and dont call the next day, were not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume its because were being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters dont make us uncomfortable.

37. Well never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your curls to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND,
The No. 1 thing only women understand:
other women.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving? Call 1 800 ******.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

The five toughest questions women ask – and their answers:
1. What are you thinking?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think shes prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – football.
b – baseball.
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: If I wanted you to know Id be talking instead of thinking

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is, Yes.
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. Yes dear.

Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c – That depends on what you mean by love.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
No, of course not and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldnt call you fat, but I wouldnt call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – Ive seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. Do you think shes prettier than me?
The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: No, you are much prettier.

Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I dont know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. What would you do if I died?

Correct answer: Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

Dear, said the wife, what would you do if I died?

why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you ask such a question?

Would you remarry? persevered the wife.

No, of course not, dear, said the husband.

Dont you like being married? said the wife.

Of course I do, dear, he said.

Then why wouldnt you remarry?

All right, said the husband, Id remarry.

You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

Yes, said the husband.

Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.

Well yes, I suppose I would, replied the husband.

I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes?

I suppose, if she wanted to, said the husband.

Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?

Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.

Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose youd let her play with my golf clubs, too.

Of course not, dear, said the husband. Shes left-handed.

Diamonds are a
girls best friends.

Dogs are mans best friend.

So which is the dumber sex?

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She
said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

How to make shopping fun for men…

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they arent looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.

5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.

6. Move CAUTION: WET FLOOR signs to carpetted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME! PICK ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO! NO! Make the voices go away!

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, Hey were out of toilet paper in here!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies, he responded.
Oh. Killing any? she asked.
Yep! Three males and two females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell them apart?
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.