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Archive for the "Gender humor" Category
A Cape Bretoner
A Cape Bretoner walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know….,I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.
The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the
daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.
The Cape Bretoner, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘You’re bullshitting me!’
The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well… You started it.
Satisfied Redhead
How do you know when youve satisfied a redhead?
She unties you.
Men writing the rules
If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.
Set it free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesnt come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesnt appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Child birth
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?
The doctor answered, Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe pain.
I know, but cant you give me some idea?, she asks.
Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…
Like this?
A little more…
Like this?
No. A little more…
Like this?
Yes. Does that hurt?
A little bit.
Now stretch it over your head!
Question and answer
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks hes Gods gift?
A: Exchange him.
Dictionary for women
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Golden Night Drinkin
A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?
Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.
Even the urinal? she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.
Girls Should Know
20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know
1. Were not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Dont argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Dont treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around.
6. We know youre pretty, thats one of the reasons were going out with you.
7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.
8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.
9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. Its just wrong.
10. When we tell you that youre not fat, believe us.
11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
12. Just cause you think youre always right, doesnt mean that you dont have to apologize when you do something wrong.
13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
14. We cant always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
15. Dont ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
17. If you want us to put the seat down when were done, you should put it up when youre done.
18. Dont tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesnt turn us on.
19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.
20. We know youre not always right, but well pretend like you are anyway.
IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck
6-10 people: your crush will notice you
10-15 people: your crush will kiss you
15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!