Notice in a dry cleaners window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Sign in a Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Sign in a veterinarys waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE – XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: Belt your family. Its the law.
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: Broken English spoken perfectly
At an Applebees restaraunt: NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!
Fitness Center sign: Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself – regardless of the facts.
Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)
On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: Safety ladder, climb at own risk.
Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!
Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: Run like Anything!
Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESNT WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESNT KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographers studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: Todays special. Below it says: Sos tomorrow.
Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies cant be wrong).
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.
Sign in a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
At my Universitys Student center Bathrooms: If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance.
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: Rest Area Next Right – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.
Sign on restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.
Sign in a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie!
Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want.
Sign on a music librarys door: Bach in a minuet.
On a store front in Florida: Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: Smile, Youre on Radar!
Seen in a State Park in California: Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If its wet, its raining. If its moving, its windy. If you cant see it, its foggy. If rock is gone, its a tornado.
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS