Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shitheads.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but its OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
5. I dont do drugs cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea…
7. Money cant buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I dont approve of political jokes. Ive seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
18. No one ever says Its only a game! when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youre on.
21. Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion…suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.

This joke should be told to a drinking audience, one that can appreciate its difficulties:

Two brothers, Tucker & Buck, grew up on a duck farm with their parents; Becky & Huck. Comin back from town one day Hucks truck got unluckily stuck in some muck and, worse, the muck was between the ties of a railroad crossing. Sure enough, a train arrived and ran right over Becky, Huck, and the muck stuck truck.

Freshly orphaned, it didnt take the brothers long to exhaust their resources and in order to raise some cash, they decided to sell a couple ducks.

Tucker & Buck each tucked a duck up under their arm, & went strutting down the pike. At a fork in the road, a wager was struck for 10 bucks, Tucker & Buck would each try his luck selling a duck and meet again later to settle the wager.

Hiking briskly, Buck passed by a bungalow festooned with a buxom B girl on its Balcony. The Lass beckoned to Buck, and assured him his duck rendered adequate tender for her to remove the bends in his gender. Delighted, he complied. When finished, he dressed and proceeded to leave, alone and depressed as only the truly duckless can be. The B girl was pleased with his talent it seems saying Buck, stay and play through again, when done Ill send you, with your quacking friend, packing! So he did, and left with his duck.

The duck became heavy to Buck, so he snuck a small leash round its feathered neck and allowed it to walk beside him in the road, onward they strode. But a moment later a motorist made muck of the duck, missing Buck by sheer luck. The duck mashing driver, overcome by a duck down quilt of guilt, console Buck with a Fiver!

Walking up through the yard of their inherited home, Buck saw his sibilant sibling stacking quarters on the steps, counting 50, 75, Five Dollars! Buck hollered What, only five for your duck? Why, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, AND five bucks for a fucked up duck!

A young man (YM) is on a date with a young woman (YW) and they go
parking. After some heavy petting the YM asks the YW for oral
sex. No, says the YW, you wont respect me. So the YM is content
to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the YM again
asks the YW for oral sex. Again the reply, No, you wont respect me.

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
Honey, please, were married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex? No, she says, I just know
that if I do that you wont respect me. So the man waits…
and waits… and waits….

After 20 years of marriage the man says, Honey, weve been together
20 wonderful years now. Weve raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about
oral sex, just once ???? Please ?????? and the wife finally
gives in to her husbands wish and performs oral sex on him.
After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the
telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,
Answer that you cocksucker.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!

A guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, Fuck me, thats a lot of condoms!

The guy buying them said, In that case, better make it 100.

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pigs house and said Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!! So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down! And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and were scared!!! So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.

A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolfs mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, Who the hell were those guys?

And the brick pig said Oh, those are my cousins … the Guinea Pigs.

Disturbing product of the month:

Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy

Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995,
for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special
bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol.

Yes, thats no typo - 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch
label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company
defense: People loveem! piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldnt discover
the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures.
A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed
aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, If youre
going to eat brains, youre not going to worry about cholesterol. Good
point.

After reading Samathas joke I must say she

only told half the story! Mickey went to



divorce court. The judge turned to Mickey and



asked:So you want a divorce because you



think your wife is crazy?



No replied Mickey I didnt say she was



crazy! I said she was fucking Go

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a
mural-sized painting of Custers last thought. The artist was told to make it
highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she
proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work,
the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, was a beautiful
crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head was a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native
American couples copulating.

The curator was both disgusted and baffled by what he saw. In a rage he turned
to the artist and asked, What the hell has this got to do with Custers last
thought?

The artist replied, Custers last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel!
Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world, she boasted. The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.

What a diamond!

How lucky you are!

Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel, said the diamonded lady, Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!

The ladies buzzed and tsked, And whats the Lipshitz curse?

Lipshitz, sighed the lady.