Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!

A guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, Fuck me, thats a lot of condoms!

The guy buying them said, In that case, better make it 100.

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pigs house and said Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!! So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down! And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and were scared!!! So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.

A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolfs mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, Who the hell were those guys?

And the brick pig said Oh, those are my cousins … the Guinea Pigs.

Disturbing product of the month:

Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy

Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995,
for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special
bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol.

Yes, thats no typo - 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch
label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company
defense: People loveem! piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldnt discover
the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures.
A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed
aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, If youre
going to eat brains, youre not going to worry about cholesterol. Good
point.

After reading Samathas joke I must say she

only told half the story! Mickey went to



divorce court. The judge turned to Mickey and



asked:So you want a divorce because you



think your wife is crazy?



No replied Mickey I didnt say she was



crazy! I said she was fucking Go

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a
mural-sized painting of Custers last thought. The artist was told to make it
highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she
proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work,
the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, was a beautiful
crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head was a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native
American couples copulating.

The curator was both disgusted and baffled by what he saw. In a rage he turned
to the artist and asked, What the hell has this got to do with Custers last
thought?

The artist replied, Custers last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel!
Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world, she boasted. The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.

What a diamond!

How lucky you are!

Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel, said the diamonded lady, Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!

The ladies buzzed and tsked, And whats the Lipshitz curse?

Lipshitz, sighed the lady.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says Did you know you were speeding back there.

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said He said I was speeding. The officer then said Where are you from?

The man replied Chicago

The wife then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said, He wanted to know where we came from.

The officer then said Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.

The lady then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns back and says He says he thinks he knows you.

The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.

Doggie Bowser, MD — The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel that
becomes a brain surgeon.

Wheel of Torture — A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters at
her to spell words.

Murry Brownose — The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who tries
his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.

Cutie and the Priest — The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.

Herald O. Revealer — An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in their
closets.

Carlos in Charge — A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive Columbian
drug-lord and his two daughters.

This Old Louse — A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve the
appearance and habits of their husbands.

Married, with Hemorrhoids — A light hearted look at marital life after age 40.

China Bitch — A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated, lesbian
Vietnam War nurse.

Murder, She Rewrote — A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman who
cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each week
changing only the names.