Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:

Doctor, I just cant have an orgasm.

Do you masturbate?, he says.

No luck. is the reply.

How about cunnilingus?

Nope

Kick-start vibrator?

Wakes up the neighbors, but not me. she complains.

Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here. the doctor says as he walks into the next room.

He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

What is it, she gasps.

Its a VOODOO DICK, he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.

It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,

hand! he commands.

The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.

Ooooh, she sighs.

VOODOO DICK, box. The dick returns in a shot to its case.

You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.

Certainly, of course, anything you say she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.

So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she cant wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.

VOODOO DICK, hand! she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

VOODOO DICK, pussy!
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

VOODOO DICK, fuck me. It begins to thrust in and
out.

VOODOO DICK, faster! It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

VOODOO DICK, harder! It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.

VOODOO DICK, stop. BUT IT WONT STOP

VOODOO DICK, stop now!, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.

Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing – gotta go she yells.

Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?

You dont under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me. she sputters.

A WHAT?, the cop yells?

A magic VOODOO DICK. Its after me! she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, VOODOO DICK, my ass!

On day four kids were playing on a slide and a genie appeared in they all stopped and huddled amongst them selves.

The genie said: The next time you go down the slide say somethig you want to land in and you will and at that the genie poofed up in smoke.

One by one they lined up to get their wishes.

The first kid said Lollies he slid down and he landed in lollies.

The next kid did the same but instead he said chips.

The third kid was still young and hadnt got the concept and just went down as usual and yelled Weee!

The fourth kid acciedentally bumped his knee and screamed Shit! before sliding down head first into it.

A man and his wife were about to get evicted and needed some quick cash. honey, we may have to prostitute you to pay the bills, said the man. ok, no problem, anything i can do said the wife. so he had her dress in her sexiest outfit and meet him on the street. ok, just go across teh street and if you need me im right here, he said. about 10 mins pass and a man approached her and asked it she was working. let me walk across the street she said. so she did and the man explained to say yes. so she did. how much? asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said, and the man told her to ask the john for $100. so she did. damn, i only have $25, what can i get fro that asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said again, and told teh man the offer, to which he said to give the john head. so she relayed this to the john, they agreed and he pulled down his pants and had a cock 10 inches long and as thick as her wrist. oh boy, let me walk across the street she siged, and went to her hubby and said um….sweetie, can i borrow $75?

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the
captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman
above him he shouted:

Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the
young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also shit in
your pants.

Bill Kennedy or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes?

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.

Woman …

Shes an angel in truth, a demon in fiction.

A womans the greatest of all contradiction.

Shell scream at a cockroach and faint at a mouse,

then tackle a husband as big as a house.

Shell take him for better, shell take him for worse.

Shell split his head open, and then be his nurse.

And when he is well and can get out of bed,

shell pick up a teapot to throw at his head.

You fancy shes this, but you find that shes that;

for she plays like a kitten and fights like a cat.

In the evenings she will, in the mornings she wont

and youre always expecting that she does when she dont.

— author unknown

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother,she said, Why dont you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied – Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesnt fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martins mother said, Wait until your father gets home.

When Martins father got home, Martins mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, Martin, go outside and get me a switch.

Martin replied, Get fucked. Thats the electricians job.

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning theyre all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes, Shit thats nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says, Thats nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance wont cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers, I dont think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.

Her voice dropped. It helps her constipation, you know. So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was wasted.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!