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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see, said Paddy.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you put the flaps down straight away, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.

Its Holiday time. I suspect that anybody whos read rec.humor over
the last few years has probably seen this piece. Nonetheless, it
remains one of the best such bits, and for the estimated 6,000 of you
that dont read rec.humor, Im including it. It contains abusive
and obscene language, but its necessary.

As the holidays approach, I will be posting just a few jokes, mostly
Christmas related ones, as I expect most of you readers out there will
be leaving your computer terminals for airline terminals. As for me,
its my policy not to shop until the 24th. It makes it more exciting.

Remember to spend extravagantly, or youll have to listen to economists
talk about how consumer indicators are down for at least three months.
At least, thats how the mall manager explained it to me. And remember,
malls are what made America abandon its urban cores, turning them
into blighted slums that Yuppies could buy cheap. So be patronizing
to their retailers this season.

Have a good time, and wherever you go, dont forget the true meaning
of Christmas–the free travel vouchers you get when the airline bumps
you.

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.
Youre an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine Two turtle
doves. Im delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Arent you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I dont
deserve such generosity as Three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, youve been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered Four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the Five golden rings; one
for every finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,

I couldnt believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were Six geese a laying on my front steps. So youre back
to the birds again – huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket.
I love your thoughtfulness, but –

Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

Whats with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received Seven swans
a swimming. What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit
all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I cant sleep at night and Im a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! Its not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight
maids a milking?? Its not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I cant even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now Ive got Nine pipers
playing and Christ do they play! They havent stopped chasing those maids
since theyve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and theyre
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

Youll get yours, bastard,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs Ten ladies dancing?? I cant imagine why I call these
sluts ladies. Theyve been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
cant sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!

Im sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

Whats with the Eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift Twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Seasons Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole
Attorney

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the
word fuck. It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain,
displeasure, love and hate. In language fuck falls into many grammatical
categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive (Dave fucked Anne) and
transitive (Dave was fucked by Anne). As an adverb (Anne is a good fuck) and
also as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are not
many words with the versatility of fuck. Beside the sexual meaning of the
word, there are also the following:

Goodbye
Fuck off.

Greetings
How the fuck are you?

Fraud
I got fucked at the car auction.

Business
I hate this fucking job.

Chronology
Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Denial
I didnt fucking do it.

Dismay
Oh fuck it.

Suspicion
Who the fuck are you?

Confusion
What the fuck…?

Trouble
Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Apathy
Who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggression
Fuck you!

Difficulty
I dont understand the fucking job.

Directions
Fuck off.

Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?

Incompetence
He fucks up everything.

Lost
Where the fuck are we?

Relation
Up your fucking arse.

Oedipal
Motherfucker.

Famous Last Words Involving the Word Fuck

General Custer
Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?!

Mayor of Nagasaki
What the fuck was that?!

Captain of the Titanic
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

Where is all this fucking water coming from?!

Captain of the space shuttle Challenger
Put that fucking fag out!

Anne Boleyn
Whats a fuck?

Julius Caesar
Fuck tu, Brute!

Casanova
Boy, am I fucked!

Joan of Arc
Fuck me, its hot!

Captain of the Marie Celeste
Where the fuck is everyone?

Captain of The Herald of Free Enterprise
Fuck off, Im fishing!

Director of Chernobyl nuclear reactor plant
Oh fuck!

Emperor Nero
Wheres all that fucking smoke coming from?

Mayor of London, 1665
Oooh, fuck, a rat!

Baker, London, 1666
Fuck, I left the gas on…

Scott of The Antarctic
Fuck, is this cold!

Managing Director, Union Carbide plant, India
Fuck! What is that smell?

Witch doctor, village, kracatoa
Well, dont fucking blame me!

Henry VIII
Fuck? Of course, my dear…

Thomas a Becket
Where the fuck did you two spring from?

King Kong
Fuck, its a long way down!

Goliath
Fuck off shortarse!

Pharaoh, in pursuit of Moses and the Jews
Fuck the bridge, well take the shortcut!

Oedipus to his wife
Fuck Love, if mom could see me now…

Jaws
Fuck me, this tastes orrible!

Commander, Light Brigade
Who the fuck gave him the bugle?!

Harold of England (1066)
Fuck the French, they cant aim!

President Carter
No chance! He cant even fucking act!

John Lennon
Thats not a fucking real gun.

President Nixon
Whos going to fucking know?

Albert Einstein
Any fucking idiot could understand that.

Mayor of Hiroshima
What the fuck was that?

Picasso
It fucking does so look like her.

Pythagoras
How the fuck did you work that out?

Michelangelo
You want what on the fucking ceiling?

Walt Disney
Fuck a duck.

Noah
Scattered showers my fucking ass!

E.T.
Pick up the fuckin phone!

Spock
Fuck Logic!

Darth Vader
I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

Ghandi!
Fuck Im hungry!

Yoda
Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said, I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldnt think straight. She smiled at him and said, So what are you thinking now?

He said, I think I did a pretty good job!

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

Two fat guys sitting in a bar. One finishes

his drink and says to the other, Your round



The other replies So are you, you fat fuck

There once was a man named Dave,

who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit

and missing one tit,

but think of the money he saved!

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, heres a culturally normalized standard test.

City of East Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name:____________

Alias:____________

Gang:____________

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesnt cut it?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4×4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

So, how did you do?

One thing I still cant figure out though is how a South African from the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour (we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens dont know about Formula One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships – the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph stands for.

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that werent made in America.

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

1956, was his immediate reply.



No wonder you look so uptight! she exclaimed. Honey, you need to get out more.



Im not sure I understand you, he answered, glancing at his watch. Its only 2014 now.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?



A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!