Sign in a car dealership office: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibals hut: I never met a man I didnt like.

Sign in a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

Sign at a hotel. Help! We need inn-experienced people.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!