Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
Babys First Ornament would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)

Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an indian on
the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw
the cowboys he said, Three men, large wagon, four horses. One of the
cowboys asked in amazement, You can tell all that just by listening to the
ground?

No, said the indian, They ran over me…..

This one may be old on the net (I certainly heard it a number of years ago),
but in case you havent heard it before, here goes a story the Polish tell
about Russians…

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isnt enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm–hell have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups
of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and theyre very drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes,
he realizes he cant stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it
were a microphone he says:

Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30
seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian
gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as hes checking out and is about to leave, the
desk-clerk calls after him:

By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians…

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird deaths:



A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.



Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.



Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused

Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.



George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.



Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not

to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.



Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.



In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay

stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,

leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the

space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.



While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,

which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horses owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify

the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.



Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snails pace near the center of the road. At the

moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars werent scratched.



In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that

started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.



Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wifes incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she

remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in

and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didnt answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. Oh, stammered the woman, I was expecting the baker. The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Q: What does K-mart stand for?
A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

- Your dog is gone and your homework is done.

Do you know why the French wear turtlenecks?

- To hide their flea collars.

What do you call an [enthnic] in a limousine?

- A Chauffeur.

A black man is dying of thirst in the desert when he finds a gennie in a bottle.
The gennie grants him three wishes.

He says First I want a lot of water, Second I want to be white,
and third I want a lot of pretty naked women to sit on me

When he came to he was a toliet at the Waldorf Astoria.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to a Pollack and says, I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The Pollack answers, The jokes on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah–I wasnt even home last night!