Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, No.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was Why?

The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on The Variation of the Clitoris.

One of the most unusual cases I ever came across, he told his audience, was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: I wasnt referring to size but to taste.

Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.

Pamela is outraged. She screams, What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I dont?!!!

Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that theyre hip to the lingo. Make up your own that dont stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (You dont know? RDFM).

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DONT USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOURE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyones grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but dont otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your creative criticism, do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often compressed so that it wont take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like Thanks.

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like SexyHouseWives, then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each uploads popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to (vice.president@whitehouse.gov ) so that he can keep track of whats happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatevers being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if youre in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the managersrs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, I cant hire a dog
for this job.

The dog pointed to the line: An equal opportunity
employer.

So the manager said, OK, take this letter and type it.
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.

The manager said, Alright, heres a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it.

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.

The manager still wasnt convinced. I still cant hire
you for this position. Youve got to be bilingual.

The dog looked up at the manager and said, Meow.

Bholaji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.

Doctor : Whats your problem?

Bholaji : I keep forgetting things.

Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?

Bholaji : What problem?

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!