Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* All generalizations are false.

* As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

* Friends dont let friends drive naked.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

* Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

* Im out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

A man staggers into the Doctors surgery and gasps: Doctor, help me! Everywhere I look I see talking mice, talking dogs, and even a talking duck! Whats wrong with me?

Doctor says reassuringly: Dont worry, youre just having Disney spells…

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, There is no way Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, We havent had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZAS FINE…. really means, you cheap slob!

I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, I cant believe you have nothing planned!

COME HERE. … really means, My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, I dont like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, You never listen.

WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, Im not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, Im just being nice; theres no way Im going Dutch.

IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

There was this drunk who said to the bartender, I want a woman! so the bartender gave him directions to a place.

The drunk was so messed up that he couldnt remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctors office.

The lady at the counter asks, Can I help you?

The Drunk says, Yes, I want some service. So the lady replies, Go in the other room and put it on the table.

So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.

The lady comes in and says, Thats not a foot!

The drunk replies, Give it time, lady, Give it time.

A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender Whiskey!

The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Whyd you do that?

The cowpoke replies Chapped lips.

Chapped lips? asks the bartender, Is that a cure for chapped lips? No says the cowpoke, but it sures hell stops you from lickin em.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.

No, Clinton says, That would be an ACCIDENT.

A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.

Im afraid not, explains Clinton. That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

What? asks Clinton, Isnt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.

Wonderful! Clinton beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?

Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said Dont you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?

I said I didnt know there were any witnesses!

Now Ill have to kill you too.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much because
they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive
farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. Doctor, she says, I
dont know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent,
stink terribly!

The doctor says, Good, Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets
work on your hearing.